Stuff Gay People Like: Being socially liberal and economically conservative

It’s well known that the gay world is sworn against the Right Wing. But gay people approach politics with mixed urges; they want society to be more accepting, but they also want to pick a few conservative positions so they’ll appear balanced and be palatable to mainstream culture. These gay men have learned what high school cheerleaders have known for ages – the key to popularity is as simple as finding somebody less popular to trash!

In America who might that be? They’re not going oppose womens’ rights, which gets them in trouble with their best friends, and they don’t want to ban sex and cuss words on TV, which would fire all their favorite comedians and throws a bone to religious fundamentalists. Being for the war is like having a mullet; it was uncool even when it was in style and now it’s definitely out. They don’t want to be against the Buddhist center in the neighborhood because that just seems intolerant, and how would gay people get anywhere in the world if everyone is being forced into conservative Christianity? It leaves them with the vague, unspecific concept of being economically conservative, which nobody can find fault with because they aren’t quite sure what it means.

The main thrust of American economic conservatism is wanting the government to cut whatever programs you’re not thinking about right now. Nobody wants to let the potholes fill up the road or close a bunch of museums and schools, and sure, teachers are sorta underpaid and cops and firefighters are great, but somewhere in all that there’s gotta be mounds of wasteful spending. Well no I paid Social Security taxes so I expect to get my check when I retire, so don’t cut that, but could we cut public health programs? Well no not the ones that provide the free HIV testing or pay for the condoms at the LGBT sex education centers, but some of the other ones.

Should we eliminate food stamps? Well no not for children and for people with disabilities, and not for people who are genuinely looking hard for work, but the other food stamps for those other people. You know once one of my friends saw this poor-looking lady at a grocery store – you know she looked pretty poor because she was Mexican and she kind of limped around – buy a bunch of chips and cigarettes, probably with food stamps! There must be poor people all over the place buying chips and cigarettes and the government shouldn’t be paying for that! Thanks to the unions and ACORN!

The other half of economic conservatism is thinking that people you don’t know very well are generally overpaid or lazy. If you are a wealthy banker, your ire is towards those lazy fatties in congress. Or maybe not! Since your congressman was your roommate in prep school and you know he’s a pretty hard-working guy. If you are a middle-class office manager for a medical supply company, its trash collectors and public school teachers who are rolling in butter…or maybe not! Because your mom was a teacher! She lived in a modest house, and she was pretty good at what she did, right? But all those other government workers. The ones I don’t know.

Being fiscally conservative isn’t about hate; they don’t think of the cafeteria workers are bad people. But come on, do they really deserve twelve dollars an hour? I mean twelve? Really? That’s, like, almost a third of what I make! And I went to college!

There, you’re a moderate! And as such, you decide to vote Republican a third of the time. Surely they will see that and start championing gay rights within five or ten years.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column. Visit the Facebook Page.