What’s in a name: Should a lesbian feminist take her partner’s last name?

One of the first things that people started asking when I announced I’ll be getting married this summer was whether I plan to change my name. My last name, already, is hyphenated because my father took on my mother’s maiden name attached to his. Over the years it’s been a source of pride for me. I always that it was cool that my dad loved my mom so much that he didn’t want her to be the only one to change by getting married.

When I first began my coaching practice, I liked the translation of my name even more – Vie is French for “life,” a Carpenter is a builder.  So, my name means “Life Builder.” What’s cooler than that?

Flash-forward to 2012 and two things are different. One, I am known professionally and publicly by my maiden name. Two, I am also getting married to a woman who is pretty traditional about some things. In other words, she wants me to change my name.

All kinds of issues have come up. I’m a feminist; I don’t have to change my name if I don’t want to. I love my name and feel it really encapsulates my life’s mission. And vanity says her name, “Brisco,” just doesn’t sound very good on me, syllabically speaking – it’s too short.

My friends have been joking about it for months. I have considered a double hyphenate, only using my married name on my driver’s license and our joint credit. And then it came to me: I am going to drop my hyphen and give my name a little flair…Robyn Vie Carpenter de la Brisco.  My friend Alden first came up with the idea. Yes it’s a mouthful.  Yes, if you speak other Latin-based languages, it is breaking “gender” rules with a “la” despite ending in “o.”

Here’s how I see it: we’re lesbians. The fact that marriage (or any other euphemistic term) is an option means all bets are off. We’re queer, so why not break rules?

I love my fiancé. She is one of the best people to ever come into my life. I am proud to become her wife. And I am very moved by the idea of creating our new family. At the same time, honoring myself, my ancestry and my path is also important to me. So, the decision about a name was not something that I really could take lightly; although I have no qualms about being both authentic and unique.

I have friends – a couple – who changed their names to a familial name from one partner’s mother. Other couples decide that both partners will hyphenate. Other couples never change their names. Again, we’re queer, so there aren’t really any rules about this. For us, I believe I’ve said she’s a bit more traditional. She has no desire to change her name. I don’t really feel a need for her to change. So there hasn’t been any issue around her name, just mine.

She would agree with anything I said I wanted. She has expressed her preference for the name change. I believe my way honors both wishes.

I also like the idea of having her name. I will be her wife, she will be my wusband. I accept that the dynamics of our relationship have a slightly more hetero-normative look and feel. It’s part of the reason she suits me. My choice honors that traditional feel while allowing for the socially-renegade nature of our union.

Plus, it just makes me giggle because I sound extra fancy! I think I shall have a wax seal created with all of my initials.