Sexpert: Addressing disability with insight

Dear Shanna —

I’m crushing on a woman who in one of my classes — cute, smart, and really funny — and I’d love to ask her out. However, she is blind or visually impaired (I’m not sure how she identifies), and I don’t want her to think I’m fetishizing or tokenizing her. How can I ask her out and not come off like a jerk?

– Awaiting Dating with Baited Breath in Glendale

Dear Awaiting Dating with Baited Breath,

By recognizing the complicated issues of belonging to a marginalized community — having to wonder whether people really like for you — it sounds like you’re already on the path to handling this sensitively. Way to go.

That said, I’d ask her out the way you’d ask out anyone else. Obviously, stay away from blurting, “it’s not because you’re blind!” Instead, ask her for coffee/tea/cupcakes/drinks and perhaps suggest that she choose the place. If she says yes, as part of the first date conversation you could work in a question about how she identifies, so you know you’re using her preferred language later on while dissecting the date moment by moment with your bestie.

People with disabilities, like every other marginalized group (trans* folks, people of color, non-English speakers, etc.) are just as sexually diverse as the rest of the population. Remember to not make assumptions about how folks with disabilities act; some are LGBTQ, some are straight, some are monogamous and some are not, some are asexual, some are new to sexual explorations and others are experienced. Spend your time and energy asking polite, non-disability centric questions like “tell me what you like/want/need” instead of things like “how can you get turned on by/be attracted to someone, because you can’t even see them?” (Don’t laugh; people have asked much more off-putting questions). If you hit it off, take some time to research; people who experience discrimination and/or oppression should not have to be responsible for educating everyone else about their identities. Of course, if she offers information or asks what questions you have, ask away and learn as much as you can.

Best of luck in getting the date!