Bangles that dangle: Why I buy my jewelry from the pet store

I have yet another confession to make.

I am an earring whore. The world of fashion claims it’s all about the accessories, and my accessories of addiction are earrings.

If you are lucky enough to get a personal tour of my drag dungeon in Gaypleton, besides the colorful wall of wigs, shelves of purses and racks of platform shoes, you will find three very large tackle boxes overflowing with earrings. And it’s apropos that they are in bait boxes since at least one pair are fishing lures I purchased from Bass Pro Shops. (Drag tip: remove the barbed hooks before you make lures into earrings, unless you need some extra piercings in your ears.)

Earrings are the accessories that get the most attention when I am out for a night on the town. Most popular are my hot dog earrings, or as I like to call them, “My big wieners.” Everyone just loves my big wieners. They have been fondled, caressed and yes, even sucked on. Honestly, I would never put anything dangling from the earlobes of a drag queen in my mouth. But people do. Bless their hearts.

“They’re Ball Park Franks,” I tell the curious. “They plump when you lick them.” Some see that as a challenge and it’s deep throat city for my squeaky dog chews.

Yes, my hot dog wieners are dog toys from Pets R Us. I find the best earrings in pet stores. For the most dramatic effect, I like my earrings big, colorful and fun. Dog toys obey that request perfectly. Just do not wander into the nearby dog park or it’s shred city for
your earlobes.

I make most of my earrings. From mini boxes of Froot Loops to Dairy Queen ice cream cone toys, all manner of crazy items get turned into earrings in the craft corner of my drag dungeon.

One time while driving across the state of Wyoming, we pulled into a truck stop. Mr. Waste bet me that I could not find a pair of earrings in that butch, diesel-fumed store. I came out with a couple of wooden mousetraps. A few rhinestones and one rubber mouse later, and I had a set of earrings that not only looks fabulous, but also keeps my wig rodent free.

Another good source for fabulous and crazy earrings is Christmas ornaments. I get up extra early the day after Christmas to hit those 50-percent-off sales to adorn my lobes with big glittery balls.

So they next time you need to adorn your fabulous self with bangles that dangle, always remember: the bigger it hangs, the better.

Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. See more columns at ofcnow.co/nuclia or contact her through her website at NucliaWaste.com.