The real reason people oppose gay marriage

Well, our secret is out.

When it comes to relationships, gays are happier than straights. Of course, we already knew that. That’s why we are called “gay” in the first place. We are just happy, happy people.

Across the pond in the United Kingdom, the Open University released a 96-page study on relationships and found that gay couples are more positive and generally happier about their relationships than straight couples. They also found that straight couples are less likely to be there for each other, make couple time, pursue shared interests, to say “I love you” and to talk openly with one another.

Gay couples are happy. Straight couples are miserable. Think back to any family Thanksgiving dinner, and you know this to be true.

The reason that straight people have been opposing gay marriage is not that it “undermines” traditional marriage. The real reason is that straight people do not want us to be happier than they are. They are miserable in their relationships and cannot abide to see us wallowing in our joyous, marital bliss. Add in the fact that our weddings are more fabulous, more fashionable and more fun, and it’s just too much for them to bear.

The study also found that couples without children were far happier than those that were shuttling offspring back and forth to soccer. No surprise there either. Do your remember how much grief and agony you caused your parents growing up? I rest my case. I am certain my parents took up drinking and smoking after having us kids rather than vice versa. I came out as gay and wanted to grow up to be a starving artist. My sister got pregnant before she was married and my brother’s fascination with fireworks and explosives took my parent’s stress to a whole
new crazy.

All you gay couples thinking about having gaybies may wish to reconsider. Granted, your being in a gay relationship rockets you to the top of the happy meter, but those late night bottle feedings and poopy diaper changes might ratchet you down a notch or three.

While the study attributes couple happiness to being gay or straight, I think it’s much more about the difference between men and women. I am surprised straight marriage works at all. Two guys are just gonna get along. They get each other. They are on the same emotion wavelength. Same thing for women. Gay relationships are the ultimate mind/body meld.

But put a man and woman together and ask them to get along and you’ve really got a challenge. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Trying to get them to live together on the same planet, let alone in the same house, is just inviting disaster. I am surprised straight marriage works at all. (It really doesn’t most of the time, if you consider the divorce rate.)

When people ask Mr. Waste and me the secret to our 17 years together, we tell them it comes down to the three C’s: caring, communication and compromise.

Caring — you need to love and care for your partner.

Communication — you need to talk to your partner and be on the same page.

Compromise — no two people are ever going to get along completely, so there has to be a little give and take in the partnership.

If you can master the three C’s, you can be as happy as a gay couple.

Nuclia Waste, the triple-nipple drag queen of comedy, is Out Front’s radioactive cultural columnist. See more columns at ofcnow.co/nuclia or contact her through her website at NucliaWaste.com.