Start hooking the streets, no one’s hiring

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I met this hot guy at a bar and we hung out a few times. Finally he invited me to his place to fool around. But he lives with his mother and she wanted to come in to chat while we were undressing. It really creeped me out! What do I do with this guy?
Signed, “Tangled up with apron strings”

Marion: Give mom a show that will creep her out. Bring in a third and re-enact 3 Girls and a Cup. That should get her out of the bedroom.
Sharon: Too bad it wasn’t his Daddy, he could have joined in.
Juana: Both of you come to my house. I wouldn’t want to chat while you were undressing.
Zoey: She’s probably one of those PFLAG moms who wants to see if you are good enough. Show her the goods and make her jealous.
Winnie: Tell him to sell his BMW and get his own place.
Diane: Take him to the nearest public restroom, get your rocks off there, and then drop him off back at “mommy’s” house.
Rolonda: Lives with his mother huh? You wouldn’t have this problem if you’d stop picking up guys at the nearest high school.
Bea: Winnie, just do what you did before and wear your coaches uniform, apparently parents don’t question anyone in that field.
Sassy: Do what comes naturally. But the next time you go over for a “play date” take a special gift just for mom. One that has batteries and multiple settings. Mommy could use her own “special friend.”

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I lost my job and my unemployment is about to run out. I’ve been sending out my resume nonstop and filling out job applications with no luck. Do you have any suggestions that might help?
Signed, “Empty nest egg”

Marion: I need someone to clean my merkin. Call me, Precious.
Sharon: You’ll always have Colfax.  Stay off of my corner or I’ll cut you.
Juana: I will check with the gurls, but I think there’s a free corner a few blocks from mine. Send me your stats, I mean resume.
Zoey: Offer to put out at every interview. You may not get the jobs but you will be getting lucky.
Winnie:  Did someone say “house-keeping?”
Diane: Listen to Juana, start hooking the streets honey. No one’s hiring for quite some time.
Rolonda: My first job was at a bar in Tijuana called Mojito. I can call Gustavo and see if he needs a new donkey fluffer.
Bea: Take your last few bucks, shave your ass and work the daddies till you strike it wet, oops, I mean rich. It’s worked for me.
Sassy: Oh Poodle, if you can look pitiful, get a Sharpie and a piece of cardboard. There’s plenty of money to be panhandled in Denver.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
Last weekend I was out with my fag hag and we were having a great time until her mood changed. She started crying and asking why she couldn’t find anyone. I tried to cheer her up but the evening was ruined. What should I have done?
Signed, “So hard having a good time!”

Marion: You should have gotten a cat. They’re easier to care for.
Sharon: Did you tell her that she should stop hanging out in gay bars with you and that if she lost weight, put on makeup and stopped crying someone may find her attractive?
Juana: Walk away and pretend you don’t know her. Why should both your nights be ruined?
Zoey: Is her name Kate? As in Suffa-Kate. Time to find a new hag that knows it’s all about you.
Winnie: When will the gay men stop taking fag hags to gay bars?
Diane: No offense to the ladies because I’ve been there too many times myself, but one word for ya: Midol.
Rolonda: Oh, no she didn’t ruin your buzz. Security! It’s time to drop that bitch and switch.
Bea: Charity always begins with the hags. I would have just dumped her, that way you can still enjoy your night. That kind of misery doesn’t deserve to have company.
Sassy: You should have LEFT HER AT HOME! When you shop for produce at Queen Soopers you never take home the banana that has fruit flies buzzing around it. The same goes for fruits at the bar. A hormonal gal pal is an instant deal breaker.