Realizations From a Decade of Growth

With 2014 drawing to a close, many people are thinking about what they want the next year to look like. So many of us want to continue our search for ways to improve our lives, increase our chances to connect with great people, and wake up each day with a renewed excitement to get out of bed and attack the day. Having a desire to work on something is fantastic, but without a plan and the effort to make these changes, all the daydreams in the world won’t do anything to create change in our lives. I know first-hand how hard it is to start the ball rolling.

As many of you know, there are parts of my life that are very public and I enjoy sharing them. Like everyone else, there are so many things that exist below my surface that people usually don’t have the opportunity to see. Growing up as a smart, chubby, socially-awkward, uncoordinated gay kid was extremely challenging for me and I’ve spent an incredible amount of energy and effort to understand, heal, and grow from these trials. This month marks the ten-year anniversary of the most significant time of change in my life where I began a completely new adventure that set me on an incredible and unexpected journey of self-discovery and strengthening of my will to become the person I feel proud to be. Here are some realizations I have come to understand that will hopefully benefit you as much as they have helped me.

I can be my best friend or worst enemy

We can be our own biggest supporter or an abusive bully … sometimes both depending on the situation. It’s so important to be aware of how we perceive ourselves and what our internal voice says about us. Self-deprecation and a lack of self-esteem is a huge detriment to creating a great life. We have the ability to be way more cruel and destructive to ourselves than others may be to us. Unfortunately these negative self-perceptions can permeate many parts of our lives and impact our ability to accomplish our goals.

My desires are not something to feel guilty about

Shame has been such a large part of many of our lives growing up and has unfortunately latched onto our adult lives. It’s hard enough to figure out what really fulfills us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. There’s no need to stomp it out instead of supporting our enjoyment.

I can change my situation

Almost anything can be worked on or improved. Feeling trapped in any situation reinforces feelings of powerlessness and demotivates us to get off our asses to make changes. Working to identify things we have the ability to change in our lives makes us stronger and more confident overall. Finding focus and motivation is key in this process, so don’t get trapped thinking you’re a victim of circumstance.

Family is important

In addition to being raised by biological parents, many of us have been supported by extended family members, neighbors, friends, and other influential people in our lives. Hold on to them and express your appreciation and affection for them as much as possible. Being surrounded with love is what makes life fulfilling. These people won’t be around forever. Reach out and let them know how much you value them in your life.

The world does not have to be a hostile place

Getting up every day thinking we’re going to be attacked in some way can increase feelings of paranoia and a sense of impending doom. This can stop us from recognizing amazing people and opportunities around us. Being defensive makes for a grumpy, self-loathing downer who sucks the good mood out of enjoyable situations.

Courage is crucial

Quit being so afraid and just get out there! Bad things happen to everyone at one time or another, and while avoiding the possibility of defeat can keep you from feeling it, most times it just keeps you from participating in life. Don’t let fear control you. Try something new.

Good people are great to find

Take the time to connect with as many incredible people as possible — they’re out there. Sometimes, just being open to finding them is one of the most helpful aspects of connecting with others. Don’t assume you know how every situation will play out. Take a chance and see what happens.

Confidence is sexy

Insecurity is definitely not an attractive quality and is especially ugly when it’s saved for the barstool or a first date. When you walk into a room, stand up straight and walk tall. If you’re in a low self-esteem mindset, you’re not going to come across to anyone as potentially interesting, charismatic, or confident. Discussing how a person is too attractive to be talking to you or how you hate your body is a horrible waste of time, and it also makes you look tragic. Also, if someone gives you a compliment, for God’s sake, just say, “thank you” instead of arguing about how they are wrong.

Don’t judge a book by its cover

Try not to let your own insecurities influence your thoughts about someone you haven’t taken the opportunity to get to know. Chances are you’re not psychic and may be pleasantly surprised when they don’t live up to your negative assumption. Our own insecurities can project onto other people. Avoid that.

Be true to yourself and those around you

Integrity is one of the few items in our lives we have almost completely within our control. What comes out of your mouth and what you do with your time and body is up to you. Live up to your own potential and follow through with what you promise to yourself and others. Don’t focus on what you need to do to make others accept you; it’s more important to find those who love you for all of our strengths, quirks, and follies.