Hopeful for Tomorrow and the Future

Healing takes time; it’s a process. I think about wanting to flip a switch and get over my ex, but I know ultimately, it takes time. There are various types of mental health illnesses, and I have a few of them. I am bipolar and have ADHD; I suffer from PTSD, meaning I take a whole cocktail of medicines to keep me centered and calm.

I feel as though my mind is trying everything in its power to push me to the brink of no return, or as I like to say, “down the rabbit hole.” Just like any of my breakups, I have had my good days, my great days, my bad, and my downright awful ones.

My last bad day was on a Monday; my ex brought her new girlfriend to the house. When I heard them talking in the living room, a lightbulb switched in my head. The mood shifted, and I was in between upset and furious; I stormed out of the house. While walking to the neighbor’s, something clicked, and in an instant, I wasn’t upset or furious anymore.

A calmness rolled over me, and I have broken down so many times in the last three months that I was expecting my emotions to run rampant. My mania didn’t kick in, and I stayed centered. I was able to laugh and find joy in the fact that she wasn’t getting the reaction she wanted from me. It had finally happened; I was reacting calmly, and that’s when my day changed from a bad day to a great day.

The last two weeks have been interesting: a would-have-been third anniversary, my mother reached out, a knee replacement surgery, and anniversary of my best friend’s death. With all of that, I was super stressed and emotional, and still am. I have never quite given myself time to heal my wounds, and I am finally doing it. Not only do I need to heal from a knee replacement and a breakup, but I am also healing a broken heart because of my family. I stopped receiving unconditional love from my parents and the loss of a best friend at such a young age.

I had an ex tell me that I needed to learn what made me happy as an individual; it wasn’t until after we broke up that I understood she was right. The activities I loved started out when I moved here in 2018. The first one was landscape photography, and shortly after that was hiking. These two activities are something that I truly love doing by myself.

I find that being by myself, I am able to be more creative with the shots I take and also take the time I need to hike at my pace. My new passion is writing about mental health and how it affects my everyday life. Writing allows me to not only express myself in a different art form, but it also helps with my therapy. I have used writing for at least the last 10 months, working on opening my subconscious to events in my past.

I told a friend of mine that having “me time” is something everyone needs. People take me time as spending time with their friends and family, or going to concerts, etc. Having me time, to me, is being OK with being alone. That’s why I love hiking; it gives me the time I need to reflect on what is happening in my life. With everything that has transpired with my past, I now know healing truly does take time. It’s about time I learn some patience so I can continue to grow. Today may not have been a good day, but I’m hopeful for tomorrow.