Let him go, be the Ho Ho Ho you really are

Dear Cycle Sluts,
Some friends of mine just had a baby and they’re going to be great mommies. At a recent party to celebrate they had two lasagnas. I was told one was with and one was without the placenta. Is this the new thing? Is it safe? What should I have done?
Signed, “Not that into the sharing”

Sharon: I hear it tastes like chicken.
Marion: I can’t answer this question. I just threw up in my mouth.
Zoey: So let me get this right. You eat out your partners but are squirmy about eating the leftovers? I would have had an extra glass of vodka to cleanse the palette and disinfect your mouth.
Rolonda: Everything tastes better with hot sauce.
Juana: First, Ewwww! Second, you should have left the gift and hit Maggiano’s or the bath house if you wanted Italian.
Winnie: Gross! I just threw up my Tic Tac. Now I’m hungry. Any lasagna left over?
Diane: I hope you stayed away from the lasagna that meowed.
Molotovia: The only time I deal with placentas is NEVER. OMG! BARF.
Bea: If they put placenta in the lasagnas, what did they put in the garlic bread, Smegma?
Sassy: Oh, my gay hell! What is this “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom?” If things get stressful are they gonna eat the baby too?

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend is really on my nerves and I think it’s time to split up. The problem is that I don’t want to ruin his holiday season. What is a good gift for someone you want out of your life?
Signed, “Secret Solo Santa”

Bea: Doll, you’re a MESS. The real reason you don’t want to break up now is that you want gifts. I once bought my ex a “Black Friday” toaster, $5 with a hot slot and a big box. Just as a reminder of me.
Zoey: A year membership to a bath house and the bill for having the locks changed.
Molotovia: You’re going to ruin his holiday no matter what. Are you too good to break up at the Christmas dinner table like everyone else?
Juana: Invite a third for a bump and grind session. Make sure he’s your type. This way your “soon to be ex” thinks you’re spicing up the love life, while you’re really trying out the next ex.
Winnie: A Post-it note that reads: “Get out.”
Diane: Be honest with him and let him go; then go be the Ho Ho Ho that you really are.
Sharon: How about a card that says, “Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s Christmas time so enjoy it cause once the New Year comes, I’m breaking up with you.”
Marion: Let me talk to Zoey. I bet she can get you a gift of crabs. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Rolonda: A puppy and a jar of peanut butter, he’ll figure it out.
Sassy: A lasagna laced with placenta should do the trick.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I have a new doctor who is really hot. I want to ask him out. When is the best time to ask?
Signed, “Healthy and hot for Doc”

Marion: Probably sometime after he’s filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against you. It’s less messy.
Sharon: Right as he’s telling you to turn and cough.
Juana: HE IS A HOT DOCTOR! Anytime is good, DUH.
Zoey: I’d say somewhere between when he greases your ass for the exam and before you blow your wad all over the exam table.
Diane: Maybe you should ask his wife when the best time would be.
Rolonda: Send him a goodie-basket filled with lube, condoms, toys and a picture of you naked. If he calls then he’s interested and if not try Craigslist.
Molotovia: Mid-prostate exam would be good. He’ll either say “you’re done” or he will make sure you are “done” before pulling out.
Sassy: In “gay terms” if he’s fondled your “junk” and fingered your “pink wink” you’re basically married already.
Bea: Get creative. How about he finds an invitation while giving you a prostate exam? Or a love sonnet during your hemorrhoid exam. That’s only if there’s room in there, if not, stick to a haiku.
Winnie: Never, that’s my MAN!