Ask the Sexpert: ‘I’ve lost interest in sex’

Dear Shanna,

I’m incredibly in love with and attracted to my partner of many years, but nothing seems to really get me going anymore. I have no sex drive — none at all. What does this mean for me, and of course for my partner, who seems to be getting the short end of the stick?

— Worried About Not Wanting It in Loveland

Dear Worried About Not Wanting It,

First let me say that this isn’t just you — hundreds of thousands of people, of all genders and orientations, are in this boat. Our sex drives go up and down throughout our lives. There is this popular idea that women (specifically females) reach a sexual peak in their 30s, whereas men (specifically males) peak sexually in their late teens or early 20s. While this is true for some, each of us is on a different timeline.

Almost every long-term couple (or triad/poly group, for that matter) hits a slow period at some point in their relationship. There is a trope that refers to this as LBD (Lesbian Bed Death) as if it is something that happens specifically to lesbian or woman/woman couples, but that simply isn’t true; it happens to all types of folks. Think about when you first started your relationship — with so much time and on learning about the other person, and experimenting sexually. But after years and years together your life and busy schedule take over and it’s easy for your sex drive to die down. It doesn’t mean you don’t still love or feel attracted to your partner, it just means that sex doesn’t hold the same level of importance or newness that it once did.

There is a brilliant set of exercises called Sensat Focus that encourage a re-boot of sex between partners. Boiled down to a few sentences: For a month, you agree only to touch each other sensually/sexually above the neck, setting aside time for this at least once per week. Kisses, nibbles, etc. are all allowed, but only above the neck. After the first month, you can move to anything above the waist. Month three lets you below the waist, but no genitals. Finally, month four allows you to do whatever you want. If you prefer a shortened timeline, try two weeks of each stage instead.

This allows you both the space and encouragement to re-explore each others’ bodies, to learn more about erogenous zones (especially those that may have changed over time), and puts an emphasis on sensuality and intimacy as compared to just sex and orgasms. For many people, this can act as a re-set button on their sex drive.

One other thought is to sit down with your partner and talk about what sex and intimacy look like in your relationship, and where you want to go with that. If receiving a sensual massage feels sensual and intimate, even if it doesn’t “turn you on” in a traditional way, work to add those in. If you’re willing to play with your partner while they masturbate, that can be sexual for the two of you without requiring you to really be “on.” Remember that sex can be defined in many ways; consider all of your options before you give up entirely.

Best of luck and be gentle with yourself!

-Shanna