Get out there and be a dirty birdie

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I just moved into a new apartment and across the hall is a really hot couple. I find myself fantasizing about being seduced by one of them. If something happens it could get awkward and since I own the place, moving is out. Any ideas?
Signed, “Welcome to the gay-borhhood.”

Sassy Squatch: Don’t worry about moving. If something happens they’ll be the ones breaking up. You just might be the convenient “Hall Pass” for both. Winning!
Sharon MaGoodies: I say go for it. Head on over for a cup of sugar, who knows, maybe you’ll get a little cream with it.
Marion McKuzins: Stick to the fantasy in your head, Poodle … unless you want your life to get sticky (and I don’t mean in the good way).
Zoey Diddim: Ask to borrow a cup of lube and some poppers. Then tell them you’re the welcome fag-on and you’re building friendly neighbor relations. What’s the worst that could happen?
Juana Mann: I’ll go over and check out the situation for ya. I have no problems with sticky.
Winnie Bego: I have room at the Inn … I mean at the Winnie Bego.
Molotovia Cocktail: Why limit yourself to ONE? Invite them both over, make your advances and if it doesn’t work they’ll know you’re easy and tell their friends.
Bea Dazzle: I need an address, then I’ll cum over and show you how to make your fantasy into a Kardashian reality show. No talent needed, just show up.
Rolonda Flor: Just invite them over for some naked twister and cocktails. I’m free Saturday lets make it a foursome.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I have a friend who is shy and lonely and wants to meet guys to fool around with. I am running out of ideas on how to help him “step out.” Can you help?
Signed, “Gardening a wallflower.”

Zoey: Get him to join an orgy group. They can take him under their wing, armpit, ball sac …
Molotovia: Quit “gardening” and Start “plowing.”
Juana Mann: I say dip him in honey and take him to a Bear event. Bears love honey, yum!
Sassy: Wouldn’t it just be easier to buy him a membership to the Swim Club? All the glory holes you can eat, no waiting.
Winnie: Yeah, get a new friend.
Marion: Sure, I can help. But it’ll cost. It ain’t cheap being this easy.
Rolonda: Put him in some ass-less chaps and drop him off at the Eagle. It worked for me.
Bea: I don’t understand. What else do you have to do for him? Hold his … hand? You do understand that he’s only interested in you?
Sharon: I suggest alcohol. It certainly helps me get out of my shyness, and my clothes.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
This summer I met a great guy who was in town for business. We were together constantly. Since he left, we talk several times a day and email a lot. Do you girls have any suggestions for long distance relationships?
Signed, “Dateless in Denver.”

Marion: I have no suggestions, as I tend to steer clear of complicated situations. I much prefer the “no talk; no breakfast” kind.
Sharon: Have you ever heard the term “one in every port?” Chances are, you are his Denver port.
Juana Mann: Yes, run. There are plenty of great singles here in Denver. Call me. Smooches!
Zoey: They work in theory, not in reality. Tell him you are looking for jobs near him. See what he says, bet he still lives with his mother.
Winnie: It’s a long distance relationship for a reason, your man is MARRIED.
Rolonda: They only work in the movies. Don’t waste your time. Get out there and be a dirty birdie.
Molotovia: This is trouble with a capitol T. I bet you met him on Craigslist didn’t you? I can guess three things about him without ever seeing him. No. 1 Closeted. No. 2 Married. No. 3 BOTH.
Bea: Doll, the Jerry Springer Show called, they want their tag line back. Really there should be only one long thing in a relationship, and it’s not distance.
Sassy: Long distance relationships don’t work. Just remember my motto: “A cock in the hand is worth two in Chicago.”