Drawing The Line: How to Set Personal Boundaries

How to set personal boundaries and stick to them. 

The phrase “putting up walls” has a historically bad rap. Many of us tend to think someone is being intentionally closed off or unwilling to be vulnerable when we hear it, but a closer look at those walls often reveals they’re just a mode of protection. And while too much of anything is never good, protecting ourselves mentally and emotionally is always important. So reshaping the idea of setting boundaries, what that can look like, and how it can benefit you in the long run remains a huge part of the conversation around best mental health practices.

Setting boundaries has long been a taboo subject—Like anything, it requires practice and patience and can seem daunting upon first approach. You might ask yourself, “How do I prevent myself from overcommitting?” or, “How do I avoid coming across as domineering?” or, “How do I properly convey my needs to person X?” All of these questions are valid and a sign that you’re approaching boundaries and vulnerability with an open mind, but maybe you struggle with actually implementing a method for setting boundaries that works for you.

Kelley Quirk, assistant professor of marriage and family therapy in human development and family studies at Colorado State University, suggests that your first step should be looking at the “what” and “why” of your situation. 

“The first part, the ‘what,’ often includes guarding your time,” Quirk says. “It might be that work asks too much of you, or you find yourself continuing to agree to extra work. It might be people in your life—a friend, family member, or even children—who place demands on your time.

“But the real question is what you do with this extra time. That gets at the “why.” This is usually the piece that motivates someone to hold a boundary. If you are clear on your “what” and on your “why,” you are much more likely to be successful in setting boundaries and keeping them.”

This can be as simple as taking a few moments to think about how you spend your time. Once you’ve figured out what you’d like to change and why, the “how” can be pretty exciting—as in, how will you keep these boundaries held? 

“Get specific with this,” Quirk says. “Imagine or rehearse saying ‘no’ to a coworker or boss or friend, how you will say it, and in what words. It may also be important to figure out how strong of a boundary you want; perhaps you simply want more self-care time, which may mean taking on less at work but not saying ‘no’ to everything. Perhaps it means still supporting a friend who is struggling but saying ‘no’ more often. Getting specific and intentional about boundaries is the best way to be successful in maintaining one.”

Quirk maintains that setting and keeping boundaries is more important for mental health today than ever before, given the constant fear or concern that we could be better partners, friends, family members, or employees. 

“For most of us, there is a sense that we could always be doing and giving more. There are endless opportunities to fulfill this nagging narrative,” she says. “But who tells us to do less?”

Quirk adds that doing less can be a great form of self-care, but also almost always requires boundaries to protect it, like insisting on not answering emails after a certain time or not immediately responding to a friend. She also emphasizes the importance of engaging in actual self-care versus numbing or checking out. 

“Netflix is a great example: There’s a huge difference between intentionally selecting a show—maybe a comedy because you need to laugh or a documentary to engage your mind—compared to putting the same rerun show on in the background while staring at your phone.” 

Basically, be intentional with not only setting boundaries but also with the time you gain from setting them.

As for those of us who struggle with setting boundaries, the key is to try and remove any fear about doing so before you forge ahead. Most times, the result won’t be as bad as you think. 

“For some, the fear might be that if I tell my partner I need alone time, they won’t love me as much. Or, being invited to an event by a friend and saying ‘no’ because you need to catch up on sleep, fearing you won’t be invited next time,” Quirk says. “This can be especially scary for those who rely so strongly on their chosen families or community connections, like many individuals in the LGBTQ+ community. The fear might be, if I say ‘no,’ I might lose this vital connection to my people, to my community, to my support.”

The solution? Quirk says work to understand what fear is associated with setting a boundary—Once you do, you’ll likely be able to state your boundary in a way that also addresses your fear. Quirk also points out that asking for reassurance is always OK. 

“For example, one might say, ‘I wish I could join you tonight, but I really have to prioritize my self-care. Can you promise you will still invite me next time?’ You can ask your partner if they are hurt that you want alone time; you can ask a friend to make sure they invite you the next time, and you can ask a boss/co-worker to continue giving you opportunities even though you cannot take on this one thing.” 

Chances are, there’s a compromise (and a sense of accomplishment) waiting on the other side of that conversation.