Cycle Sluts: Send that bitch right to voicemail

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I’m a male in my ’30s and have only been in relationships with women. I enjoy the straight lifestyle, but during sex I fantasize about men to achieve orgasm. I have homosexual fantasies and get turned on watching gay porn. When I masturbate or have sexual thoughts I feel totally gay. The rest of the time, I feel straight. Why am I this way?
Signed, “Which way do I turn?”

Winnie Bego: Turn right at the Winnie Bego.
Sassy Squatch: You sound like every gay man I’ve ever met. They fantasize about men when having sex with women too.
Sharon MaGoodies: Here’s an insight, get married and do what many guys do, cheat on your wife with men cause you’re afraid to accept what you really are.
Marion McKuzins: In the immortal words of the almighty Gaga: “You were BORN this way, baby!”
Zoey Diddim: Sounds like you want the best of both. You want a drag queen that is hung like a horse. Here I am.
Diane Tolickya: Can someone shove a d**k in Nancy boy’s mouth to get him to shut up, please?
Sue Nami: Um, you are gay … oh and at some point, you will have to tell your mother.
Molotovia Cocktail: Turn yourself over and deal with the fact that you like C**K. Or tell your lady friends to get a big ol’ strap on.
Juana Mann: I don’t know why you’re this way but if you’ve got a job, come over and I’ll find out.
Bea Dazzle: I’d say to turn on your belly and shove your moneymaker in the air. The nice daddy next door will do the rest. Goodbye fantasies, hello reality.
Rolonda Flor: Ted Haggard is that you?

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My ex and I broke up two years ago. He said I deserved better and that I would thank him for it one day. Yet now he calls me for advice about his new crushes.  It’s tearing me apart to listen to his stories.
Signed, “Phones Ex.”

Marion: My advice is to grab the nearest crow bar and pry your head out of your ass. Then, smack yourself upside the head, grow up, and move on.
Sharon: It’s 2011, don’t you have caller ID? You can send that bitch right to voicemail.
Diane: Erase the bastard completely. Men break hearts as often as Sharon passes gas, all day long.
Juana: Next time don’t answer. Then text him saying you’d have answered but you had the fireman from next door over, and it isn’t nice to talk with your mouth full.
Molotovia: “Dating 101” should have let you know when he says “it’s not you, it’s me,” really means “IT IS YOU.” Move on.
Bea: Since he kicked you to the curb, he’ll totally use you for a doormat until you grow a pair. Pick up a couple of glittery balls and tell him to ask us for advice.
Sassy: Use oven-mitts when you cook, always hold a knife by the handle not the blade and if it hurts when you do something, stop doing it. Duh!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
What do you do if someone is a really bad kisser? I’ve experienced a range of sloppy kissing styles that are more like cave exploration. Should I tell him/her to prevent this in the future?  
Signed, “No More Spelunking!”

Sue: I once dumped a guy because his man jelly tasted like curry … call me shallow, but a bad kisser goes to the back of the line.
Zoey: Kissing a lover is not the same as kissing your grandmother. Stop puckering up and strap on the headlamp.
Rolonda: Maybe they confused a rim job with kissing. Try sitting on their face. It’ll make a world of difference.
Juana: If they have a job and nice package keep them but training is a must. Explain what you like and if they mess up, shock collars work wonders.
Marion: I don’t like bad kissers either, sugar-lips. I usually stick something else in their mouth to keep their tongue busy … but that’s a whole other Oprah.
Sassy: Kissing is an art. A lot of lip, a little tongue, but if you need a Sham-Wow to clean off afterwards, ditch the drooler.