Cycle sluts: If he goes lesbian on you, set him free!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I’m dating this guy, and every time he’s about to climax he shouts out “Pop goes the weasel!” At first I thought it was cute but now it’s really annoying! I like him but I can’t take it anymore. What should I do?
Signed, “Mother Goosed”

Sassy Squatch: Say, “You might visit London, you might visit France but if the Pop don’t stop you’re never getting back in my underpants!” or “Jack off so nimble, jack off so quick cause if the weasel goes pop I’m not sucking your candlestick!” I could do this all day!
Zoey Diddim: How about using a ball gag so that he can hear you scream as you cream?
Juana Mann: Just keep his face in the pillow; it will help muffle the sound. Or drop his weasel and find an anaconda to play with.
Diane Tolickya: Just send him my way; it’s been awhile since I’ve played with a weasel.
Molotovia Cocktail: Take out a hammer and play “whack-a-mole.”
Bea Dazzle: You need to talk to him on his own level. If he wants the Farmer in The Dell, and you want Jimmy to Crack Corn and you care, have the weasel do a humpty dumpty as the cow jumps over the moon. Be careful when the spider goes up the water spout – the rain can’t wash everything out.
Freeda Fondle: It could be worse  – he could yell out a chick’s name!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
For health reasons I’m now eating a strictly vegan diet. I’m feeling much better, but my dating life has suffered. It seems that when guys find out that I don’t eat meat they don’t call me again! How do
I convince them that I’m the same as they are, I just can’t eat anything that comes from an animal?
Signed, “Herb A. Voor”

Sassy: Spitters are quitters! No wonder you can’t get a second date! When a guy’s an animal I can’t wait to eat him!
Zoey: What about offering to toss his salad? You stay true to your vegan diet and then the boys can just eat your meat.
Molotovia: You’re better off with the veggies; a cucumber never makes you sleep in the wet spot.
Juana: I have no idea. My diet consists of the four basic food groups: Bear, cub, wolf and otter.
Winnie: Oh a cheap date. I like that. My bush needs trimming.
Diane: Can you still have man meat? It looks like you’ve become a vag-itarian. Sorry babe.
Rolonda: If you’d stop yelling pop goes the weasel when you orgasm, they would call you back.
Freeda: Tell them you still like tube steak and that should fix it.
Bea: You don’t need them carnies – you have the power of carrots and zucchini on your side, or rather, on your back. Drive up to Boulder to get your vegan on.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My partner of 10 years told me that he is starting to question whether he might
be straight! I can compete with another guy but I wouldn’t even know where to start competing with a woman! How do I deal with this?
Signed, “WTF! Ditched for a Bitch”

Juana: Oh Hon, why compete? It’s time for an upgrade.  Let him go fishing and call me! Smooches!
Zoey: I think this is his way of saying you’re boring and he wants to try dating a drag queen. I have the wigs and the heels if he wants to try the kinkier side of drag.
Winnie: WTF?
Diane: Oh honey, if you find out the answer please let me know.
Rolonda: Send him packing; there are other fish in the sea. Pardon the pun.
Molotovia: I’ve got a spare wig for you. You can play M. Butterfly.
Bea: COMPETE!? If he wants to go lesbian on you, set him free.  My number is the second stall on the right, and you can start competing for something worthwhile: ME!  I like my jewelry sparkly.
Eden: Let him experiment. I’m sure he will run right back to you.
Sassy: Is he really going straight or just trying to get rid of you? I think you should put on some hetero porn and then watch his reaction. If it doesn’t raise his flag, then the problem is you, Poodle!