Being a same-sex couple in a hetero wedding market

By Mark C. Paquette

With the recent additions of Maine, Maryland, and Washington to our nation’s list of states that allow same-sex marriage, the importance of ensuring equal rights for all couples is on the rise. In Colorado, hopes of a civil unions bill this spring are high, and if you’ve been considering marrying the love of your life, in this state or any other, you may have many questions about where to host the ceremony and reception, who to invite, how much to budget, legal requirements, and which professionals are the best fit for your style. You may also find yourself pondering the question: “how do I know if venues, caterers, planners, bakers, DJs, or the myriad of other professionals can and will work with a same-sex couple?”

Truth-be-told, not every wedding professional will work with same-sex couples. Various media outlets, even right here in Colorado, have reported discrimination from around the nation – portraying business owners who refuse services to same-sex couples. This discrimination can cause a variety of emotions to surface, from anger and rage to disappointment and embarrassment – all during a time when excitement, commitment, and love are to be celebrated, not condemned.

Being a same-sex couple in an industry long known to be hetero-normative comes with the need to understand the wedding market as a whole. There are terms and common practices that can cause same-sex couples frustration during the process. As wedding professionals become more educated on working with same-sex couples, it is beneficial for couples to patiently approach the process and be prepared to help educate individuals on better etiquette.

• Wedding professionals commonly use only the bride’s last name. Same-sex couples should disclose how they wish to be referred; by either one last name or by a hyphenated version of both individuals’ last names.
• Couples are usually referred to as the “bride and groom” or, within contracts, the parties are identified as the “bride” and “groom” individually. Same-sex couples should ask professional to update inquiry forms, contracts or marketing collateral with inclusive language such as “the couple, the clients, brides and grooms, etc” if they see such gender-specific use. These changes often come with some expense and time, so don’t expect to see instant changes.
• The wedding market, by large, targets “the bride” with ads. This is even true for services that traditionally target the grooms (beard trims, tuxedo rentals, cigar lounges, etc) since the bride typically has a say – remember, it’s “her” day (another common phrase). If a service for which you’re interested is targeted to the opposite gender, it doesn’t mean the professional isn’t willing to work with you – it could just be a marketing effort not showcasing inclusivity.
• Acronyms MOB, MOG, FOB, FOG (mother of the bride/groom; father of the bride/groom) are used, as are terms such as “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” – all of which may or may not apply to a female or male couple.

As more professionals are educated on the differences (and similarities) of same-sex couples, the industry will begin to shift to gender-neutral marketing. This will, however, take many years. In Colorado, a great resource has launched for same-sex couples to find wedding-related businesses that are gay-friendly and/or gay-owned and are happy to serve the same-sex wedding market: www.coloradogayweddings.com. A gay wedding planner operates the site and prescreens the wedding professionals who advertise to ensure they understand gender neutrality and the importance of working with same-sex couples.

As more states pass laws, the wedding market will grow to embrace loving couples everywhere. Patience and education is a requirement, and supporting wedding professionals who value your business is essential.

Mark C. Paquette is the owner of Events Unwrapped, LLC (www.eventsunwrapped.net), a wedding and event planning company, and founder of www.coloradogayweddings.com. Mark was voted as one of the top 4 Denver wedding planners for 2011 & 2012, winner of the Wedding Wire’s Brides’ Choice Award 2012, named “Best of” The Knot 2012 and 2013, and currently serves as an active member of the National Association of Catering and Events. He believes in using quality, professional, and reputable service providers who truly ensure clients’ visions and expectations are met on the day of their event. Mark has also been certified by avoteandavow.com and 14 Stories as a same-sex wedding vendor, holds a degree in business administration, and has a certificate in wedding and event planning. He loves to travel, cook, and spend time with his husband and two miniature dachshunds during days off.