Bears prefer the odor of butch homo

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My partner and I are buying a house together and are finding how different we are. We can’t agree on paint, furniture, carpet versus wood etc. Do you have any suggestions on how we can make this a home for both of us?
Signed, “Designer gene?”

Sassy Squatch: Yea! This is like “The Next Design Star.” Divide one room with a line down the middle and each do half. Then have a party and let your friends decide who wins the rest of the house.
Sharon MaGoodies: Well, carpet doesn’t always have to match the drapes and there’s nothing better than a little hard wood.
Marion McKuzins: I have no suggestions about the house. However, I do have a suggestion of how you can come together. That’s another column though.
Zoey Diddim: Who do you think I am, Martha Stewart? Don’t ask me if you should paint the ceiling beige, when he’s just going to be biting the tasseled pillows anyway.
Diane Tolickya: End it and run.
Winnie Bego: I’d go with the Winnie Bego style of décor.
Sue Nami: Make him live in the shed.
Molotovia Cocktail: Just now finding how different you are? Well, since you’ll be breaking up soon, the one who will be keeping the house should get to pick.
Bea Dazzle: I hate to stereotype, but you should hire a lesbian to help. Whatever she picks, go with the opposite.
Rolonda Flor: Add lots of glitter, mirrors and shiny things.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
The other night my boyfriend caught me looking at another guy while we were out. All hell broke loose. He was yelling and saying I shouldn’t need to look at anyone else.
Signed, “Wandering Eye.”

Zoey: Stop cruising me when your boyfriend is there. I’d have a go at you but that whine doesn’t go with head-cheese.
Sue: Point over his shoulder and say “look a rhino.” Then, while he’s looking you can ogle everyone.
Molotovia: If he sees you staring tell him “I was just looking at that poor unfortunate soul.” It’ll make him feel better and make you not seem to be the tramp you are.
Sassy: Honey, you need to be less obvious when snapping mental images for the old wank-bank.
Winnie: I’d say check me out anytime you want.
Marion: You should find another BF, darlin’. It sounds like your current has the self-esteem of a teenager attending prom. Drama queen is not a title to be proud of.
Rolonda: OMG, what a baby. He needs some therapy. By the way, I was checking you out too.
Bea: If you’re really out looking maybe he isn’t enough and you need more. I gave you my number so CALL ME.
Sharon: Good lord, do your looking online like the rest of us. Just use a headless profile pic so you don’t get caught.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I’m really attracted to bears but since I’m small, thin and dress stylishly they won’t look twice at me. I may look like a Twink on the outside but on the inside beats the heart of a grizzly. How do I make the bears notice me?  
Signed, “Fuzzy Wuzzy Outsider.”

Marion: The only advice I have for you, Twiggy is: All-you-can-eat buffet.
Sharon: You don’t need to change your style but you are going to have to be a little more aggressive.
Zoey: Lose the stylish and go more rugged. Gucci doesn’t make a utili-kilt. Oh and stop bathing in Obsession for Homme. Bears prefer the odor of Butch Homo.
Diane: Change the type of meat you put in your mouth, eat a burger.
Rolonda: Have you tried rubbing bacon all over you before going out? It always works for me.
Winnie: I like twinks.
Molotovia: Are you trying to say that bears don’t dress stylishly? Grow out of your “gay attitude” and those ursine love gods may see you as an otter pop.
Bea: If you’re beating the heart of the grizzly, you need glasses. Try going a little lower. GROWL!
Sassy: Just draw on some facial hair and get a plaid flannel shirt from Wal-Mart. Wait, did you say bears or lesbians? Oh well, it’ll work for both.