Now Reading
Uptown Girls. Not Even Once.

Uptown Girls. Not Even Once.

You'll hate them together almost as much as they hate being together
You’ll hate them together almost as much as they hate being together

There’s something to be said for terrible movies — their abundant plot holes, unlikable characters, and horrid costumes start to feel more like an adventure rather than a complete waste of time. Think about Teen Witch. By all rights, it’s a terrible film. But that doesn’t stop it from being a cult classic. Uptown Girls is no Teen Witch.

The movie launches with the least relatable protagonist named Molly, played by Brittany Murphy. Molly is a daughter of a famous (and dead) rock star who left her a fortune, a swanky New York apartment, and virtually no life skills. (She doesn’t know what an electricity bill is.) She goes out with a few friends on her birthday and meets a recovering addict/struggling musician named Neil, who she then proceeds to seduce with a Pez dispenser.

The morning after their tryst, Molly realizes she doesn’t like Neil so much, sparking the following dialogue:

 [Molly to her friend on the phone:] “I don’t know how to get rid of this guy without breaking his poor heart.”

[Neil to Molly shortly after:] “I’ve got to go.”

[Molly to Neil:] “GO? Where go? Why can’t you make music here?”

Classic. The story of girl only wants what she can’t have and a team of movie writers who thought this would be a subtle way of saying so.

Mental illness is another theme of the movie, and everyone but Molly has one. The easiest to spot manifests itself in the small child of neglect, Ray, played by Dakota Fanning. Ray practically raised herself (Ray’s neglectful mom is played by Heather Locklear who was probably playing herself) and is so tightly wound that a diagnosis of OCD and anxiety disorder is all any watcher would be able to think about. Don’t worry — the movie makes up for it with the ol’ coping mechanism of riding the teacups ride
until vomiting.

One positive aspect of the movie was the costume design. A costume designer has never been so inclusive of quintessential fashion of that year since Clueless. Watching Uptown Girls is like looking into a time portal to 2003. Flower print overalls? Check. Black Doc Martens for the uptight child? Double check. The world’s ugliest purple and fur-lined jacket for Neil? Home run.

Uptown Girls probably misses the largest mark by not including one likeable character. The watcher isn’t sure whom to root for because frankly, there isn’t anyone they should root for. Molly slowly learns what real life responsibilities are, Ray attempts to loosen up, and Neil gets famous for taking Molly’s advice and including a hook in his song. None of these people are heroes. Even worse, these terrible characters are cemented into each other’s lives. It’s enough to invoke the viewer to kidnap both Molly and Neil and shake them horribly screaming, “You had a one night stand and it’s over now! Run away, you’re horrible for each other!”

Uptown Girls does become unintentionally hilarious. The best example is a cameo by the lead singer of Sugar Ray who asks Molly to make him a jacket similar to Neil’s hideous purple fur monstrosity (OMG YES) followed swiftly by a cameo by Dave Navarro who requests pants (OMG DOUBLE YES.) This inspires Molly to go to fashion school and presumably live happily ever after.

If you’re looking for a movie to watch while you’re hungover and passing in and out of consciousness, then you should consider Uptown Girls. If you’re looking for a movie for any other reason… hard pass.

Uptown Girls is currently streaming on Netflix. 

What's Your Reaction?
Excited
0
Happy
0
In Love
1
Not Sure
0
Silly
0
Scroll To Top