The speed of dating

Some friends were lamenting about dating and how difficult it is. The whole point of dating is to find your match – the person you’re supposed to be with for life. But many of you have scoffed at the idea of for life because sometimes “for life” becomes “until it’s over.”

Here’s a dilemma, though. If you begin each dating opportunity with an expectation that this could be “the one,” you may come off as intense or reckless. But if you never fully believe this could be “the one,” you never fully commit to a relationship. What do you do?

As light and airy as I might seem, I’m really very matter–of–fact – I expect people to be who they are. So, when I meet someone and I don’t quickly feel a spark of chemistry, I don’t really see a reason to continue a romance. Is that harsh?

Here’s how I look at it. If someone doesn’t light you up early on – in somewhere other than your loins – why keep going? I think it’s wrong to string someone along if you don’t feel it.

For example, I went on three dates with a woman – attractive, smart, witty, professional, accomplished. A gentlewoman. She asked me out and I accepted. First for coffee, that’s always the safest. Then the next two dates were at two of my favorite (expensive) restaurants in Denver. By all intents and purposes, she should have been perfect, but by the end of the third date I’d decided to tell her that I couldn’t keep seeing her. At the same time she decided that she needed some indication that this was leading somewhere. It was perfect timing – our mutual dating alarms went off and they were a miss, no harm, no foul.

For some people it’s three dates and you’re out. For some people it means that you will see, and possibly sleep with, other people while seeing one another. I think the word that gets left out too often is exclusively. If you’re dating exclusively, then it changes your perspective of where it’s going.

Age makes a difference; for me it’s given dating a new meaning. When you’re younger, your life doesn’t have as many obligations – maybe a couple boxes and bags, a pet or two, and you. That’s all you have to move around, so you can get “serious” quickly – whoever has the better place is where you go.

As you get older, people have their own homes that they don’t want to leave, or children who can’t be yanked around. There’s more of a life to try to fit someone in to, so when you meet someone who opens your eyes and your heart, you figure out whether that person is important enough to work it all out for. Until then, you “date.”

I have to hand it to my people – we are incurable romantics. We keep working at it. I say figure out what works best for you. If you’re on the third date and you know it’s going nowhere, speak up. It’s only fair.

My advice is go with your gut. Believe me, you’ll know the difference between “the one” and “the one for now.”