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Spring has sprung! Time to break out the cleaning supplies and chase the winter doldrums right outta that dusty ol’ depression den… but why stop there? We at Out Front want to summon you toward the light Carol Anne with a March Madness Home Makeover, courtesy of Bizarro, Inc. Let’s begin.

Pick a magic number from two through five. Got it? Great! Now count each of the category items, eliminating the one that falls on your magic number. Keep repeating this step until there’s only one item in each category. The remains will signify the treatments your new home wills itself through this pagan ritual of a guide, your uncanny ability to think of small numbers and (most importantly) through the divine order of the unholy powers-that-be at Bizarro, Inc.

 

Walling

• Papier mâché

• 16 million termites holding hands

• Mega Bloks (the generic Lego)

• Ground bone and teeth from medical waste

 

Flooring

• Recycled tires

• Dog hair

• Lava

• Human skin-rugs

 

Furniture

• Soiled futons from a burned-down punk venue

• Repurposed wicker sex swings

• Curiously warm stools from the nuclear plant

• Giant beanbags filled with beef tripe

 

Bedding

• Pube-woven afghans

• Smallpox-infested throw blanket

• Cigarette butts forced into a loom

• Shredded, nested dollar-store ponchos

 

Window Treatments

• Halloween spiderwebs

• Newspaper clippings of unsolved mysteries

• Panicked breath of 83 cats trying to get out

• Hordes of flies that appear during the witching hour

 

Room Decor

• 3,992 full-to-bursting fly traps

• Failed taxidermy experiments

• Faux-Warhol

• Warhol’s actual remains

 

DISCLAIMER: Proceed with caution. Use of Bizarro, Inc. advice may result in hair loss, facial cellulite, a hunched back, wildebeest cough, softening teeth and an endless nocturnal loop of the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.” Void where prohibited.