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The making of a badass

The making of a badass

Ever since the kids in middle school called me “fairy,” I have longed for the days when I could be a total badass.

The notions of toughness and masculinity go hand-in-hand and even as an adult I crave it. But what does it mean to be a badass?

Is it a look? Is it a mentality? Or does it run deeper than that?

I needed to figure it out in my attempt to shed any remainder of the scared little boy left inside me.

Obtaining the look was the easy part. My passion for alternative music helped parlay my way into the gym and the tattoo shops. In just a few years, I packed on 30 pounds along with heavily-inked imagery gliding up my arms and randomly around my body.

By then, people certainly thought I looked tough and I liked that. But I had yet to do anything that fulfilled the role.

However, my badass opportunity came soon enough.

Winston, a friend of mine, invited me to a concert for the band KMFDM. Years ago, this German band contributed to the creation of the musical genre known as industrial: a combination of heavy metal and techno.

I had already been a long time fan but never went to a show fearing that the crowd would be too rough.

There would be mosh pits, slam dancing and crowd surfing. Therefore, I thought it would be the perfect place to test how tough I really had become.

Upon arriving to the venue, there was a sea of people in black t-shirts. Some looked like the bullies I once feared.

Others looked like the nerds I once identified with.

As KMFDM took the stage, the music got loud, fast and hard. The crowd started pushing and I got nervous, wondering if Winston secretly brought me to some sort of fight club. The mosh pit opened up in a circle right next to us.

“Krank!” screamed the lead vocalist.

“Krank it to 11!”

I had no idea what he meant, but every shout felt worthy of a head bang.

The tough guys began filling in the circle and colliding themselves to the music. As they danced, they shoved each other in hopes they could body-check somebody else.

Whenever one of them came close to the edge, the people forming the circle – including Winston and I – would shove them back in.

Suddenly, Winston gave me a look that said it’s time. He jumped in, leaving me by myself. It was like watching him get sucked into a tornado. I lost sight of him among the flinging bodies.

Toward the end of the night, I remained at the edge and still hadn’t accomplished my goal. The music raged on with exhilarating energy.

This was my moment. I took a deep breath and I ran in.

Before I could get to the middle, someone slammed into me, knocking me to the edge.  As the “edgers” would have it, they shoved me right back in for more. My solid boots kept me from falling down and my speedy re-entry gave me the momentum to slam into someone else.

It was like playing human bumper cars. Even the opportunity to body check Winston felt like a sense of camaraderie.

In such an aggressively fueled environment, not a single fight broke out. I had seen far more vicious acts unleashed at gay bars. When someone fell down, people stopped and helped them get back up. It seemed as if there was a method to all of this madness.

My fear drifted off and I began to appreciate my surroundings.
As the show ended, we walked out and Winston teased me. As if I had merely moshed with training wheels. But my body felt like it been through the ringer.

I had now finally completed a badass action to fit my tough guy look. Yet oddly enough, I did not feel any different about myself.

Then I had to wonder, what are the real actions that make a person tough? As I now discovered, thoughtlessly charging at someone in a circle isn’t complicated. Therefore, aggressive behavior did not feel like such a tough thing after all. It is easy to show up and act in the ways that people expect.
Perhaps it is more difficult when nobody else is around and we don’t have those mirrors reflecting upon us; telling us what we are supposed to do.

Life itself is tough enough.

Life can blast us with kicks and punches harder than any rock concert. And to navigate life alone makes it that much more grueling.

None of us have immunity when facing difficulties such as losing a job, losing a loved one, struggling with an addiction, finding out you have a disease, or even feeling like you just don’t fit in.

These are the true pits that we must fight our way out of in order to overcome life’s toughest battles. Throwing ourselves in a belligerent circle of sweaty men can be done by anyone.

But it takes true strength for each of us to overcome the challenges of living.

After testing out the rough and tumble concept of a mosh pit, I can see that this did not make me any tougher. Looking back, I focused so much on achieving a look that I did not even notice the intense challenges I was already conquering.

No matter what I looked like, these were the things that built a strength in me. So before stepping foot into that concert, I had already shed off much of that intimidated boy by the things I have overcome.

I was already tough. And to realize that part … is pretty badass.

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