The Gay Pamphlet

I’ve been informed on more than one occasion that I don’t act “gay” enough. Sometimes this hackneyed observation is made by other gay men, and my usual reply is, “Well, I never got the gay pamphlet in the mail.”

Did you receive yours? I’m told gay men receive said document through USPS-certified mail around the same time your balls drop, but I never got mine. Maybe my parents threw it away, afraid I would be recruited to the gay agenda.

Anyway, I’m told this 66-page pamphlet for homosexual males features full-page photographs of famous gay actors wearing the latest name-brand fashions I’m supposed to wear, along with complicated pie charts and bar graphs outlining how to act like a proper queen in various social situations. There’s even a pop-out section with instructions on how to give a fabulous gay blowjob. (Master your gag reflex and cup your teeth!)

And for some reason, this pamphlet dictates that gay men should display more “feminine” characteristics that I often don’t adhere to. Correction: that most gay men I know don’t adhere to.

If you have your gay pamphlet with you, please turn with me to page 12. As you can see, gay men are required to dress in more feminine colors (a lovely pink pastel Polo shirt, for example) while straight men are required to wear more masculine colors (a blue t-shirt, torn and covered in axle grease, for example).

I know what you’re thinking: It’s silly to assign clothes as feminine or masculine, as gender binaries are largely the product of dynamic social constructs created and fostered by various cultural paradigms which constantly shift and evolve from generation to generation.

But I digress.

Now turn to page 33. You’ll see that gay men are required to drive a Mini Cooper or a Neon while straight men are required to drive pickups (domestic only) or a Dodge Charger. I’ve been told the pamphlet for our sisters requires that lesbians drive a Subaru Outback or Forester (fully loaded, of course).

Again, I always thought I was gay because I enjoy gay sex. Thing is, I drive a truck — just like a “straight” guy! All these years playing with penises, yet I should have been playing with boobs.

But I digress.

Page 52 dictates that when in public, gay men can only admit to listening to Adele, Madonna, or any song relating to a Broadway musical. If you’re bisexual, you can listen to almost any band you want, except Nickelback. Page 53 clearly states that if you listen to Nickelback, you’re not even human, let alone a gay male.

When I was a kid living at home, I was often criticized for not acting “Christian” enough, usually because of the way I dressed or the music I listened to. Now that I’m out of the closet, I’m sometimes criticized for not being “gay” enough, usually because of the way I dress or the music I listen to. And this is not an isolated incident within our community.

I say burn the gay pamphlet. Hell, I say burn this article! In a word, be genuine. Maybe you love Nickelback! Then go on and blast that sh*tty music as you drive down the highway.

No one’s sexual orientation is defined by their clothes or the music they enjoy.

Don’t let gays tell you how to be gay, even if you’re a gay man who gives blowjobs in the back of a domestic pickup without cupping your teeth — that just means you need more blowjob practice.

I recommend Cheesman Park.