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Take advantage of community wisdom

Take advantage of community wisdom

Many of us have been fortunate to have people in our lives who provide motivation, guidance, love, support, and maybe a kick in the ass when we need it. They can be mentors who help us develop into more well-adjusted, powerful and fulfilled individuals. In many ways these mentors are like coaches who increase our chances of success in this complicated game of life.

When we lack those relationships, we’re left to navigate some serious life situations on our own. That means it can take longer to get through them, and involve a lot more frustration, bruises and defeat than necessary. Growing up, we may not have received the kinds of support, education and insight that would be relevant to us as gay men. Many struggle with feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem and a lack of confidence kicking ass in their own lives. We also probably didn’t get a lot of parental support coming out or wisdom on how to date guys.

Historically, one of the main strengths in the gay leather and kink communities is a reliance on mentor relationships. In some circumstances people are trained and mentored in safety, traditions, cautionary tales and methods to experience some amazingly intense, mind-blowing sensations. It helps build a strong set of skills and personal integrity, while limiting the risk of getting hurt by doing something the wrong way.

Unfortunately, the AIDS epidemic took many of these mentors away from us, leaving a tragic loss of opportunity for insight as well as some amazing friendships.

As we continue to heal from this loss of our gay family, rich history and amazing life experiences, I feel we need a return to some basic ideals of mentorship across our community. This can help build a stronger and more empowered community and ensure that experience and guidance pass along with meaningful stories and experiences, and useful tips and tricks.

None of us experience exactly the same pain, discomfort and heartbreak as anyone else, and some lessons will be that we just have to endure some discomfort and consequences. Regardless how many times we’re told not to touch the hot stove or stick a finger where it doesn’t belong, sometimes we won’t listen until we get burned and experience the pain for ourselves. Yet there are common experiences, and we’ve all relied on teachers to educate and help us. These mentors can help train others on the importance of achieving life balance, living well with HIV, or understanding why it’s important to not act like a douchebag.

These relationships can be valuable in both directions — binging shared fulfillment, strong interpersonal bonds and community strength. Mentors can take pride sharing positive outcomes from struggles they’ve faced throughout their lives and are reminded to look at how they are leading their lives currently. Mentors can benefit by taking some of their own advice mirrored back to them — a hard look at the choices they’ve made.

We each need to step outside of our narrow field of interest and talk to people with different life experiences — not thinking that it’s going to turn into listening to someone rant about how it was so much difficult or fabulous to be gay back in the day. Out there is wisdom to take advantage of.

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