Stuff Gay People Like: Telling you they’re bisexual

A gay man is never satisfied with his attractiveness. He always needs to lose a little body fat, pluck his eyebrows, take his profile photos from juuuuuuust the right angle and put a little more goo in his hair. Most other gay men are turned on by masculinity, so one of the ways that a gay man will try to be more attractive is to become that: he’ll take up sports, superficially deepen his voice or lift weights.

But all these things require hard work. Some gay people wonder if there’s a shortcut to being seen as more masculine; there must be something that makes a gay man far manlier than the other gay men, but requires almost zero effort. Something like choosing beer over mixed drinks or claiming to like football.

To explore that, a gay man will ask himself what masculine men do. What is it that defines them? Among all men, the stereotype is that masculine guys fuck a lot of chicks they don’t care about. Yes, that is what manliness is. The gay man’s older brothers and the football players in their high schools taught him this: masculine boys sew their wild oats, in vaginas.

Having sex with a woman does take effort though, and furthermore, for a gay man, it requires a great deal of alcohol. And it is unnecessarily arduous for a man to have sex with women to seem masculine if the ultimate reason is to have sex with men. There must be some other strategy, some other way, in which a gay man can achieve the allure of straightness but continue to enjoy being gay… hmm… yes! He will just tell everyone that he is bisexual!

There are many gay men like this, and they are the same: each becomes quite angry when you do not believe he is bisexual. Despite the fact that he has not kissed, canoodled or romanced a woman in years and years, meanwhile pursuing dozens of men, he still wants you to know that he is open to the thought and therefore just not as gay as you are, indeed better, because of vaginas.

“You think bisexual guys are fake or greedy?” he asks. “That’s prejudiced.”

Well no, there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual… if that were really what you are.

“So you don’t believe that bisexuality exists?” he asks. “That’s prejducied.”

Of course it exists! In men and women!

“Then why don’t you believe that I am bi but just haven’t met the right girl?”

Because, honey, just no.

Bisexual guys who have a lot of internalized homophobia date women almost exclusively and tell everyone that they are straight. Their dicks are 50-50, but their overbearing moral values ensure they limit their playing field to women. Bisexual guys who have little internalized homophobia don’t care how they are seen and date men and women without acting like they have something on gay guys. They are probably European, play guitar, and move to the city to live in the art district and have an androgynous hipster lifestyle.

But a guy who dates men exclusively and has internalized homophobia and tells you he is bisexual is lying. It’s simple math.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

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