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Stuff Gay People Like: Having a boyfriend

Stuff Gay People Like: Having a boyfriend

There is one thing that young gay people will complain about more than any other. In their lives they might have experienced bullying, discrimination, being disowned by their parents, being kicked out of their church or a whole lot of other problems due to being gay – yet one issue will stand out. That complaint is that they are single. Or, by extension, the problem is the poor quality of boys in the towns where they live. Together those represent a lack of being perpetually in love, which is enemy number one.

A gay person’s straight friends started dating practically in middle school. That fact is torture for the young gay boys, who are just as horny as anyone and have nowhere to put it. Young Doug had to watch his best guy friend Scotty, who Doug had an intense secret crush on, surreptitiously feeling up Sarah Hunt in the back seat of the bus sophomore year of high school. God that bitch, Sarah Hunt. That is pretty much how Doug, now 30, has felt about the dating world, and everyone in it, every moment since that day.

Still, the drive to find love is intense, and no matter how many times a single gay man insists he’s given up all hope of finding a partner out of dismay at his tumultuous history, he’s still holding his breath for it. He just won’t tell you. Watching his other gay friends dance through a long string of monogamous partners will turn him green with envy, despite the fact that his friends are miserable. He will assume, of course, that his best gay bud, who is going through 3-4 painful breakups per year, is in some kind of bliss because a couple of those boys have been so hot. Meanwhile, his more romantically-active gay friends are becoming increasingly convinced that the gay dating scene is as pathetic and shallow as the stinky waste pool puddling behind the tuna canning facility.

Having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend, well, for more than 3 months. That is the holy grail. Like dog years, of which seven can be packed into a normal human year, gay dating packs 3 months into one ordinary month. That means that same-sex relationship that lasts over six months translates into a year and a half of a heterosexual relationship. A gay relationship that lasts 10 years is basically a life of marriage. Congratulations are in order.

Once a gay person has had a relationship last more than, say, one year, he will pretty much get over that desperation, and date like an ordinary person. He might stop hunting desperately for “a straight-acting boy” who would inevitably reject him anyway since he himself is not straight-acting, or he might realize that in real-life relationships you don’t actually feel madly and thrillingly in love every moment for 20+ years. But until he reaches that zen, a young gay man is a sustained, tumbling bumble of angsty love.


Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

@StuffGayPplLike/#SGPL on Twitter.

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