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Stuff Gay People Like: Gay paraphernalia

Stuff Gay People Like: Gay paraphernalia

Gay men are never completely comfortable being asked if they are gay. When asked, they’ll awkwardly find some humorous roundabout way to answer the question, saying “well, I ain’t straight!” or “I’m not gay but my boyfriend is, heh heh heh…”

The truth is, the words “are you gay” elicit an immediate flashback to freshman year of high school: suddenly our subject is in the locker room after gym class, staring at the package of some random jock he has an intense crush on, and is noticed starting to get an erection, which subjects him to being asked if he’s a fag. He recalls the barrage of insults, towel-whippings and fear for his life. To ask a gay man if he’s gay is as awkward as asking a woman if she is on her period; no matter how much he has accepted and embraced the fact that it is true, it is a rude question, and he’s going to pause awkwardly and blush.

At the same time, gay men are consistently annoyed with the burdens of being thought of as straight. It makes it very hard to find dates! Women who think a gay man is straight interpret his friendly affection as hitting on her, or worse, her boyfriend does, and a bar fight ensues. Straight guys let gay men in on sexist jokes that gay men have to pretend are funny or else an argument begins. The longer a gay man spends time with a straight person who does not know he is gay, the more awkward tension builds up; it gets harder and harder to drop the hint without causing a scene. The straight person continues to make offhand homophobic comments, and the gay man increasingly wants to gouge his own eyes out with a spoon.

A gay man is thus charged with letting everyone know he is gay without having to say so. The answer: paraphernalia! The gay man’s solution is to adorn himself with things that make it impossible to miss; he could wear pink sunglasses or skin-tight clothing, or he could go all the more explicit and wear a necklace or bracelet that has rainbow-colored beads in it. A gay man will put obnoxious rainbow-colored bumper stickers on his car, office, dorm room, apartment or bicycle, which are available in tall stacks at Pride event booths and community centers.

Unfortunately for gay people, these announcements do not go unanswered. Straight people decide this is “shoving their sexual orientation in everyone’s faces,” and respond with bumper stickers that read “don’t mess with marriage” or “One Man + One Woman = Family,” which is, even moreso, in everyone’s face. These are the usually people who have a minimum of 60 Christian, NObama or NRA bumper stickers on their car, showing that whatever fiscal conservatism they adhere to makes exception for spending money on sticky pieces of plastic. It gives gay people a unique challenge: they must outnumber anti-gay groups even more pieces of plastic.

The result is an arms race. Gay people must bankrupt the Christian Right by challenging them to produce an endless supply of NOM billboards or metal Jesus Fishes until they have no more to spend on lawyers or political lobbying. Gay people achieve this by adorning their neighborhoods with rainbow flags, Human Rights Campaign symbols and drinking straws with miniature penises on them. Gay people may be outnumbered, but since they have a considerably higher vested interest in being allowed to be gay than their opponents do in stopping them, they make a little more progress every day.


Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

@StuffGayPplLike/#SGPL on Twitter.

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