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Stuff Gay People Like: Fag hags

Stuff Gay People Like: Fag hags

Most people would expect a gay men’s gathering to be composed primarily of men, but they’ll be surprised to find there is almost an equal number of women at each bar, club or party. This is not because so many of the men are in drag, nor is it because there are an equal number of lesbians. No, it is because one out of every three men there brought with him three straight or bisexual girls who just cannot get enough of the gay scene, who show up there frequently enough to become their own institutions. Because gay people do not like to be politically correct, and because they love rhyming words, they call these institutions “fag hags.”

Gay men love their fag hags. It is a bond that was created in the beginning if each gay man’s gay experience: it began when he “came out” of the closet. While many people think of “coming out” as something a gay man does just once, this is not true; a gay person has to come out again and again each time he gets a new job, goes to a new school, moves to a new city or gets a new psychiatrist. And as we explained last week, it tends to be an awkward experience, and is nearly impossible without a straight girl.

The fag hag is always the first person the gay man comes out to at any new workplace. It is a role she has even before it’s official. Some women just give off an aura of being experienced in knowing gay people; if a woman has gay friends or is destined to have gay friends, she will probably cuss a lot, tell a lot of jokes about sex, occasionally say derogatory things about religion and smoke cigarettes. The gay man knows her immediately; it is as if he has seen her before on television, amidst sirens in his head screaming that this girl is safe. He will cozy up to her and drop hint after hint until she finally asks him if he is gay. Sometimes she thinks he is hitting on her and things can get awkward at first which requires him to be more explicit. If the workplace is too professional or too serious, she will never ask; that is why gay men fucking hate those places.

Then the relationship begins much the same way that baby ducks bond to the first thing they see upon hatching, except that this time the bond is mutual: the gay is inseparably attached to his fag hag the way his fag hag is inseparably attached to her gay. Megan is so proud that she was the first one in the whole office who knew Jimmy has a boyfriend, and Jimmy is so glad he finally has someone to cuss with. Her role for him is counselor, telling him that even though the world is homophobic everything will be OK and showering him with compliments about his looks or intelligence, his role for her is educator, teaching her slang words like “bottom” and “top;” Megan loves knowing these things because it proves she is multi-cultured and cosmopolitan. Megan is also expected to shout at anyone in the office who says a disparaging thing about Jimmy or gay people.

A gay man’s first fag hag probably immediately tried to introduce him to “her other gay friend” who he would be “perfect for” because, you know, both of them are gay and stuff, so, you know, true love. She also interrogated him on his opinions about fashion and begged to go shopping together. This does not last forever.

As the relationships develop and the partners mature, arrangements become more complicated: a fag hag may befriend two or three gay people at the same time, which initially makes her gay man extremely jealous. Gay people may befriend two or three fag hags. They tend to form cliques, miniature gay families, which move through gay scenes like schools of fish. When four gay men befriend one woman, she is always the leader; when four fag hags befriend one man, he is always the leader and the most popular one in the group.

The death knell of any relationship between a gay man and a fag hag is when one of them finds a boyfriend that he or she loves. Dysfunctional relationships are OK, but working ones will doom everything. At that point the fag hag and her gay move painfully into mature adulthood, at which point they will become cocktail pals and “old friends” and the emotional turmoil and constant change that fueled their companionship will subside. Such is life.


Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

@StuffGayPplLike/#SGPL on Twitter.

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