Speak Out: How mediators can help

By Janet Rose

Welcome to the era of Civil Unions in Colorado. While this bill finally gives the LGBT community a legal process to declare a lifelong commitment to one another and extends benefits that honor that commitment, it also comes with new challenges and opportunities.

The push for civil unions was about recognizing that we have real relationships. And real relationships can have real difficulties. Stress, accomplishment, struggle and even joy impact our relationships every day sometimes leading to discord and strife.

Before a conflict turns hostile or ugly, consider engaging a mediator to help. Mediation provides a neutral third party to help people engage conflict and difficult issues. Mediation is voluntary, encourages honest communication, sets boundaries for “fighting fair” and is completely confidential. Ultimately, mediation is a cost-effective way to settle conflicts in a relationship without constant arguing or prolonged litigation.

You can engage a mediator to help with a dispute during any stage of your relationship: 

• At the beginning, to develop an agreement for your civil union: address existing finances, property ownership future earnings and even how to make decisions together during your relationship; 

• During your relationship: anything from clarifying expectations regarding a joint business venture to raising children or dividing household responsibilities;

• At the end of a civil union: divide assets and decide how to communicate with each other and co-parent effectively.  

While most people think mediation is only about coming to an agreement, often the very act of being able to talk it out can be immensely helpful. Themediator helps us avoid the same old patterns of conflict that prevent communication and closure.

Remember that mediation can be helpful in other areas of our lives too. Human resource departments have turned to mediation to help negotiate solutions between employees or with supervisors. Likewise, HOA and apartment complexes also engage mediators to help with landlord or neighbor issues. And mediation has been a great help for families who are in conflict over the care of an elder. I’ve even seen it used to help mitigate coming-out conversations between teens and their families.

While there are great resources for finding local mediators (try the Mediation Association of Colorado’s “Find a Mediator” database) there isn’t a single, surefire way to search for mediators knowledgeable about LGBT issues.  Any qualified mediator will have at least 40 hours of specialized training in mediation and should have a background in the area of your dispute (family law, employment, real estate, etc.) When interviewing a mediator feel free to ask the how comfortable they are with issues of sexuality and gender identity. Even asking questions about how they might approach a civil union case may help you determine their level of expertise and interest.  Mediators will be able to treat you with professionalism and will set aside any personal biases or judgment; in fact, it’s our professional duty to withdraw from a case if we cannot.

Finally, in the event you do not have a chance to choose your own mediator, don’t be afraid to use this opportunity to educate them about LGBT issues. This is your time to speak up about anything that can impact your mediation: pronoun preferences, a sense of responsibility to a community that fought hard for civil unions, the emotional burdens you carry. It may feel vulnerable, but truly each case is different and a good mediator will want to understand those differences.

Mediators are peacemakers and above all understand that words have meaning. Now that we know our voices matter, now is the time to take full advantage of this resource that ensures that we are heard.

Janet Rose is a professional mediator.