Sex on the fly

A recent Reddit poll asked readers to share the most unusual place they ever had sex. I thought, “Oh, this should be interesting!”

I should have known that straight people’s ideas of unusual places to have sex are as bland as a white bread tofu sandwich ­– hold the mayo. First of all, 90 percent of the stories involved masturbation – I would hardly qualify that as sex. For me, sex involves at least six appendages, with one of them being not your own. There’s nothing unusual about masturbating in the restroom of an airplane, and no, it does not make you a member of the Mile High Club.

Which reminds me, I have that membership card.

My boyfriend–at–the–time and I had arrived at the airport late. The only seats available were in the very last row. Those seats that do NOT recline. Ugh. We were not happy.

Now on most planes, beverage service starts from the front and works backward. But for some reason, that did not happen on this particular flight. We were the first to get our drinks and bags of snacks. Then the cart inched its way forward, preventing all the rest of the passengers from access to the bathroom except for us. One dirty thought lead to another and I knew I had to take quick action if I was going to become of member of that 5280 club.

I told my boyfriend that I was going to go to the restroom and that he should wait 20 seconds and then join me. He looked at me like I was out of my mind. “Trust me,” I said. I jumped up and he soon followed. There’s not a lot of room in those tiny closets to extend your landing gear and bend your boyfriend over like a runway, but the excitement made us more flexible.

Of course, I had only come up with half a plan. I had not thought through what was going to happen when two of us had to leave the same restroom at the same time. By now the beverage service had moved much further up the plane and surely there was a line waiting to use the single restroom in the back.

“OK,” I said. “You leave first and shut the door behind you really fast. I will lock it and anyone waiting to use the restroom will just think the door locked by itself.”

He ran to his seat. I locked the door and waited. Silence. I slowly cracked open the door and found no one waiting, much to my relief. We both earned our Mile High Club wings.

As fun as that was, it’s still not the most unusual place I ever had sex. That prize comes from a Catholic church confessional. No, it was not with a priest (that’s the first question everyone asks), but how convenient would that be? Sin and absolution on the spot.

I was in college and my boyfriend and I were horny. (It was college ­– we were always horny.) This time our horny took hold right in front of a church. The front door was unlocked. Having been an altar boy all through grade school, I knew every nook and cranny of a chapel. I lead him straight into the dark confessional where we went at it like snakes in the Garden of Eden.

Do you have a story that can top (or bottom) that? Email it to me at nuclia@outfrontonline.com. I will pick a winner and send a special Nuclia Waste prize pack.

Nuclia Waste, the Triple Nipple Drag Queen of Comedy, can be reached through her website at NucliaWaste.com.