An Open Letter To Your Balls

By Stefanie Cochran

Relying on public transportation can be a sweaty, stinky business. Buses, subways, and the like get a lot of action and therefore a lot of crazy. We pack ourselves like clowns in a small compartment just so we can go about our days. Any patron has at least one good story in their pocket that explain the (sometimes) wild, dirty, and cringe-worthy soup that city transport can be. Enter the manspreading conversation.

Before you ask, no, man-spread is not a new sandwich movement. (I was disappointed too.) It’s become such a hot topic that cities like New York, Chicago, and Toronto have begun campaigns against it, posting signs with anti-spreading slogans across the walls of subway cars. To sum it up, the term refers to a human male spreading his legs to take up more room on said transport and it pisses people off. Like many things men do, it leaves me both intrigued and confused; add, perhaps, a peppering of annoyance. It’s decidedly hyper-masculine behavior but honestly just straight-up rude. Countless waves of people have to use whatever seat you’re broadcasting your junk across and they could use the space more. Just take your pants off when you get home like a normal person. It’s not a difficult issue to remedy.

“It’s become such a hot topic that cities like New York, Chicago, and Toronto have begun campaigns against it, posting signs with anti-spreading slogans across the walls of subway cars.”

This being said, let’s prioritize our grievances, folks. There’s some real shit going down that makes manspreading seem as silly as it really is. There’s a manspreading hashtag, unsurprisingly, used to slam offenders through secretly-snapped pictures while the whole of Instagram calls offenders pricks. Sure, he kind of sucks, but do we really need to continue shaming people via the Internet? Use your words. Ask him politely to close up shop and if he reacts badly, then storm Facebook. The guy I saw jerking it on London’s tube is what haunts my dreams, not some shaka brah spreading his legs to let his balls air out. Annnnd, let’s not forget about the other dishonorable characters of city transport. You know her, you don’t really care for her, she’s Bag Lady! and she’s just as offensive as Man Spreader. She flops her bag(s) over the seat so no one dares come close. Sometimes it’s a garbage bag or overpriced, designer bullshit.

The message here is that it really doesn’t matter your gender, your method, or your financial station: If you’re being a complete and inconsiderate ass then you should just get off at the next stop. City transport is the f*cking pits, so can we please all pitch in and try to make some lemonade up in here? Be courteous, keep your balls or your purse in a reasonably-sized area, and we’ll be back to fresh air in no time!