Naked sweaty balls

I was jumping up and down in the Ellie Caulkins Opera House. In the women’s restroom. Naked. While Swan Lake was playing on the stage.

Most people would have been tasered half way through that paragraph and hauled off to jail by the Denver police. But I am not like most people.

It’s not often that a drag queen performs inside the Ellie Caulkins Opera House, let alone jumps around naked in the bathroom. But during “Experience The Divine” a fund raising show for the Matthew Shepard Foundation, not one but six drag queens pranced about. Granted, we were in the basement performing while Swan Lake graced the main stage upstairs. But, hey, Ellie Caulkins Opera House is going on my drag queen resume as another feather in my headdress.

My dragfriend (not a boyfriend nor a girlfriend – more like a makeup friend) Alexandra Winters approached me about performing as one of Bette Midler’s Harlots, along with the rest of the Demented Divas, for a Night of Comedy benefitting the Matthew Shepard Foundation. As many of you know, Winters does a badass Bette Midler. Her dream has been to put on a Better Midler spectacle complete with backup dancers. Of course we said “yes.” We are harlots in more ways than one. So Winters reserved the Kevin Taylor’s Chambers-Grant Salon in the lower level of the opera house and we began our rehearsals.

Now the Demented Divas and I have come a long way in our dancing careers, thanks to the help of Barbara Gabriel and the Mommie Dearest School of Dance and Charm (Yes, that is the name of her studio). Barb took four left-heeled drag queens and taught us how to chorus-line kick like a Rockette. But I’m still a little rusty in the dance department.

So I had some trepidation when I learned that we would each be choreographing one of the four songs. I can barely do the dance steps, let alone chart out choreography for an entire song and teach it to others. Yikes! But the show must go on so I took on my assignment with some fervor and fright.  After several rehearsals we were ready to hit the stage for the big night on October 14.

The folks at the opera house had curtained off an entire hallway for our dressing rooms. We had the choice of the men’s room, the women’s room and a handicap bathroom. We let Nina Montaldo, who was doing a special guest performance, take over the handicap stall. She is old, you know, and I am sure those extra handrails were a blessing.

The rest of us commandeered the women’s restroom. As we were changing, I decided I must jump up and down because how often do you get to jump up and down naked in the women’s restroom of the Ellie Caulkins Opera House? And so I did.

Ben and Jerry’s new flavor, “Schweddy Balls,” has been taking the heat lately, making it more sweaty than usual. Not everyone appreciates the double entendre, inspired by the Saturday Night Live skit starring Alec Baldwin.

Some grocery chains are refusing to carry it and one organization out of Mississippi is calling for its members to threaten a boycott. One Million Moms is encouraging it’s members to send letters to Ben and Jerry’s asking them to refrain from producing another batch of Schweddy Balls and any other flavor with an offensive name. If they refuse to do so, then the members will boycott all of Ben and Jerry’s fabulous flavors.

It’s not working. To quote Baldwin, “No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.” It has become the most popular flavor ever produced. Vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and full of fudge covered rum and malt balls is causing the mouth of America to water. Sweaty balls, not so much. I prefer Mr. Waste to keep his huevos squeaky clean before they go into my mouth.

See the skit in the December holiday show, “The Buttcracker” at Lannie’s Clocktower. We’ll also be handing out a free pint of “Schweddy Balls” to a lucky audience member. Mmmmm, sweaty, er, schweddy balls.