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I poured a glass of wine, set out the lube and hand towel, and got the DVD player all fired up. Finally without anyone home, I was going to be able to take my time doing this and be as loud as I wanted. I slid in the disc and the movie credits began to roll. Here it was; one of the hottest, naughtiest, sexiest films I had ever seen: Sleepless In Seattle.

I wanted to do this ever since I saw this movie as a young man. The way Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would keep getting so close to their love would certainly get me close each time. But the real money shot for my pleasure would come when they finally unite at the Empire State Building in true love. With this much excitement, I may need a second
hand towel.

This is the reason why parents could never let their kids get exposed to such smutty films. Romantic comedies simply make for the best masturbation. And now that I was an adult on my own, I could not stop yanking my crank to these videos. But why would I? Nothing gets a person all hot and bothered like romance.

I will never forget the first time I saw a romantic comedy. Like any eager teenager, I knew my parents would have one hidden somewhere in the house where the kids wouldn’t find it. Whenever they weren’t home, I would go searching in their room. And then one day I found it: an old VHS copy of Harold and Maude. I slowly put it in and the movie happened to start at some random scene. Seeing as how it was the first time I had seen one of these kinds of films, I practically didn’t have to touch myself in order to get fireworks to explode.

Of course romantic comedies most raw, primal time period happened to be when Sandra Bullock arrived on the scene. When I first saw her in the film Speed, I thought she was going to be like any other pretty actress. It wasn’t until the movie While You Were Sleeping that I knew she would be the reigning queen of the romantic comedy world. The way she kept getting in the silliest predicaments while Peter Gallagher was in coma kept getting me closer and closer. It took 5 or 6 times before I could even make it through the whole movie.

One day a friend suggested trying a new kind of movie. He called them “pornos”; a name that made me think I would be watching people set things on fire. He gave me one titled Cocks and Jocks 4. When I started watching it I felt instantly bored. Sure the characters had slamming bodies in addition to their slamming, sweaty sex. But where was the love? Where were the cliffhanging mishaps? How could I ever get off to this? I gave the movie back to him proudly saying that I would stick to the romantic comedy whenever I needed to… ya know, some release.

But I have to be honest. Sometimes spanking the romantic comedy monkey can bring out people’s inner-weirdo. I will never forget the time that another buddy of mine called me up and asked if I wanted to go see the new Jennifer Lopez movie with him. It had something to do with some maid working in Manhattan. I was appalled. Since when did we buff our bananas together? He and I were not that kind of friends. I immediately told him no and that I would go see the movie alone at the old, run down theatre on west Colfax by myself… like a decent human being.

I often wondered if anyone else loved jimmying their joey to romantic comedies as much as I did. And the truth was no, they didn’t. Because in reality, nobody masturbates to romantic comedies. And neither did I. This whole thing had just been one of many day dreams in my confusing quest to figure out the struggle of monogamy. Sure love and sex go hand-in-hand. But if love and sex were meant to be mutually exclusive, then why weren’t we all just doing the five knuckle shuffle to the romantic comedies?