Married but searching for answers

Dear Brent,
I’m in a long-term heterosexual relationship, but I know I am gay. I finally gave into my urges and have been playing around behind my wife’s back with guys for the past year. I’m in a profession I don’t think will accept me if I came out and our children and friends would absolutely hate me for lying to them. I feel that lying is going to be my best option, but I hate sneaking around and feel really guilty. Do you have any advice for me?

You are 100 percent correct. Sneaking around and lying to people in your life is the best option for you to maintain your double life. We have all had the opportunity to see the fall of the mighty “straight-acting,” phony-heterosexual homo that gets caught soliciting sex in an airport bathroom or cheats on his wife in sleazy motel rooms while getting cracked out, rubbed down and sucked off. You are well on your way to getting caught.

It can be difficult to be honest with yourself and to other people around you, especially about sexuality.

I think that almost everyone has felt insecure about their sexuality at various times in their lives. It is not unusual for people that are attracted to others of the same sex to feel scared that they are not part of the majority, face potential negative judgment and could be the target of violence or aggression. Yet most of us get to the point where being honest about our attractions overshadows these fears and we begin the process of coming out to our friends, family and most importantly, ourselves.

I would like to think that our culture is generally accepting of the LGBT community, but many people feel that acceptance from others would simply not happen.

I’m curious about how sexual you are with your wife. If you identify as a homosexual, I can only assume that you feel that your primary sexual attraction is to men. Following this logic to a strong possible conclusion, you are most likely not into sexual contact with your wife which would suggest that she is not being sexually satisfied by you.

Change the focus from you to her for a moment. She is not getting the physical pleasure she could receive from someone that actually wants to see her naked.

I don’t believe it is fair that you are getting your rocks off with men on the side while your wife sits at home waiting for you to finish up with your “undisclosed” man date.

It’s amazing how much planning occurs for deceit to happen. You have to find the person – establish rapport – figure out a time and place to meet, make up a feasible story to tell your peers and family, complete what ever dirty little secret happens and return to your normal life while trying to appear unaffected.

That’s a lot of work just to cover up the fact that you are gay.

I’m going to stick my neck out there and say this, “Cheating is never an acceptable option.”

It doesn’t matter if you identify as gay, straight, closeted or “not gay but enjoys pounding man butt.” You can try to justify cheating is OK because your partner doesn’t understand you, give you what you need, or is a woman and you’re a big fag. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Grow a pair and either figure out how to improve your relationship or end it. It is not fair to your partner to keep those things from them.

There is absolutely no way that you can continue to get what you want physically from a man and maintain any personal integrity about your actions. You are purely focused on what you want, regardless of the impact on other people. Be cautious about stating that you are keeping these secrets for the benefit of your friends and family. I think it is poor justification for being a liar.
Historically gay men and straight women make fantastic pairs. They are shopping buddies, watch the Oscars together and can talk bluntly – and openly – about stupid males. But homos generally make really awful husbands for women, especially when the wife doesn’t don’t know that her husband is one.

If you truly love your wife, don’t you think it is important that she gets what she wants out of a relationship? Honesty and respect are two of the most important tenets we can promise to anyone. Our personal integrity is one of the few things we have complete control over in our lives.

I think it may be time to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide what type of man you are.