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Secretly, I’ve always had a lifelong dream of owning a boat. But after doing this year’s taxes, I discovered my return would be less than ever before, once again crushing my dream. Meanwhile, my sister and her family of four, who live at the poverty level, got back a whopper of a check back from the IRS … plenty of money for a boat down payment.

I didn’t understand it. Sure, I make a decent living. But I work really hard, pay into the system, and get little back for it. Therefore, I have come to blame my not owning a boat on our nation’s fiscal irresponsibility. I shouldn’t have to live some pathetic, non-boat-owning lifestyle simply because other people choose to live in poverty.

Thus, I decided to become a Republican. Luckily there was a special political group for fiscally conservative LGBT persons like me: the Log Cabin Republicans. Sure I’ll be voting along party lines that would have a severe, negative impact on my rights as a human being, but it’s not such a big deal since I’ll now be able to influence my fellow conservatives on LGBT issues from within our own party. (Let’s be honest: We all know conservatives are totally flexible when it comes to social issues.) And even though it may prevent other LGBT people from having rights, like being able to marry, it’ll still be worth it to get my damn boat.

Of course I can’t let poor people take all the blame for the lack of unnecessarily excessive extravagance in my life — there are also the Mexicans. Yes, their illegal statuses do help our major corporations exploit them for cheap labor, which in turn helps America keep lower prices on our precious heads of lettuce, but the lady Mexicans obviously just want to come have babies to further mooch off our already too generous system.

This may sound a little racist, but it isn’t.

When I talk about this stuff, I start every sentence with the phrase “I’m not a racist, but…” Therefore, I’m absolutely absolved of any racism when it comes to immigration issues. Truthfully, I don’t even understand why our sombrero dancing brothers and sisters to the south don’t just stay put. Clearly capitalism worked out wonderfully for their country — that’s why we all want to vacation there. Anyway, just like us gays, they should sacrifice their hope for a better life so that I can have a little more change in my pocket.

Then there’s our nation’s youth. What a bunch of freeloaders! If they want a good education, then little Bobby and Cindy need to stop draining our system and go get jobs to pay for it themselves (perhaps they can be the ones to work on our precious heads of lettuce). If anything, we need to take more money out of education and put it into our national defense. Okay, so it might make our country a little bit dumber than others, but we’ll be dumb with lots of guns. And since when did a dumb person with access to guns ever hurt anyone innocent?

By all means, I’ve come down with a case of Log Cabin Fever and it’s going to be a sweet life. Well … so long I don’t lose my job or endure any other unforeseeable acts of hardship. (But that won’t happen to me because, once again, poverty is a choice.) As for my sister, she ended up buying her kids a used, outdated video game system for the families’ entertainment. Okay fine, she spent most of their big, fat government pay out to get food and clothing for the kids, but that last purchase was totally impractical. Granted, my life is still much auspicious as hers, but I still remain boatless.

What a bitch!

* This is April Fool’s satire, of course.