Leave Miley alone! Five rants about 2013

Before I get started, you must know that it takes a lot to get me angry.

For the most part, I am an even-keeled gal. It takes a lot to ruffle my feather boa. I rarely hold a grudge but when I do, it’s probably because you tossed a full cocktail into my wig. If there is one thing you should know about drag queens, it’s that you should never EVER mess with their hair. That hair is the holiest of the holies, a temple of tease set atop Mt. Olympus, a coiffed castle where Queen Aquanet lords over her loyal subjects, Beehive and Bouffant. Don’t touch that hair, poke that hair, or, goddess forbid, yank that hair off a drag queen’s head. There are those who have been foolish enough to go there and they would also give you the same advice…if only they were still alive to do so.

Wig smacking, however, did not make my list this year. Here is what did:

5. The Winter Olympics being held in Sochi

On June 30th, Vladimir Putin signed into law a bill banning the “propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations to minors.” This pretty much shuts down any gay rights demonstrations and parades, imposing steep fines not only on Russian GLBT citizens, but also fines on foreign visitors, who can also be detained and deported. Putin can suck my big hairy middle nipple.

4. The Western Black Rhino Going Extinct

Technically it didn’t happen this year. After no signs of them in the past 10 years, the International Union for Conservation of Nature in
November declared them “officially, undeniably and reliably dead.” In their memory, hug an elephant — before they’re gone too.

3. Senator Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss

I love me some Dr. Seuss. How could you not love someone who wrote, “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles…they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.” But when a Tea Party Republican uses the words of a creative genius to filibuster funding for Obamacare, all I can say is “I do not like him in a box. I do not like him with a fox. I do not like him in the House. I do not like him, he’s a louse.”

2. Sarah Palin getting airtime.

This woman is not just an idiot. She takes idiot, multiplies it by lunatic, adds a heaping pile of dumbass and subtracts any thread of human dignity. I did the math, and she comes out a big zero.

1. People whining about Miley Cyrus

People whining about Miley Cyrus. She came, she twerked, she came…all over Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit. I just hope he was able to get the stain out. She’s a mess. Aren’t we all? Welcome to the club, Miley.