A Knight in Shining Armor

After getting the initial rapid test that said I could possibly be HIV positive, I tried killing time in all sorts of ways, mostly going into chat rooms and talking about anything that didn’t have to do with sex or STDs. It wasn’t long before I ended up chatting with Luke. We originally met online and went on one pseudo-date before writing each other off. He and I did, however, become very good friends … with benefits.

I couldn’t keep the pressing topic at bay any longer and brought it up by asking if he knew his HIV status. He told me he was negative and wondered why I asked. I told him about the rapid test. Luke wasn’t so convinced that I needed to be worried. He was giving me hope.

A few days later, all hope was crushed when my status was confirmed. That day, things went from bad to worse when my HIV mentor, Jonathan, made a sexual advance. I cried my way through the whole thing and after he left, I felt used and dirty on top of everything else. I tried to escape by watching brainless TV.

Once TV didn’t suffice, reality sank in hard. With nowhere else to turn, I felt compelled to call Luke. The moment he answered, I told him the test came back positive. He instructed me to hang on and that he would be right over.

The second I opened the door, he grabbed me for the tightest hug I’ve ever had. I broke down and sobbed in his arms. After getting an immense amount of tears and snot all over his t-shirt, he calmed me down and helped me organize my thoughts.

“I have so much to do right now,” I said. “But I don’t know how I’m going to do any of it.”

“Like what?” He asked.

Truthfully I didn’t know what I needed to do.

“Well, I need paper towels,” I said. It was the first thing I could think of.

Luke smiled, seemingly understanding that even the need of a household product could feel crushing in a time like this.

“C’mon.” He stood and took my hand. “We need to get you out of this house anyway. Let’s go get you some paper towels.”

He drove me to the store and instead of going directly to get my supplies, Luke took me on a detour to the toy section.

“Let’s play for a little bit,” he said.

And for the next hour, we did just that: running through the aisles, throwing bouncy balls at each other, constructing Lego display sets, and any other weird items that could make me feel like a kid again. And amongst all this horsing around, Luke got me to do something I didn’t think would be possible on this tragic day: laugh.

When we returned to my place, we talked for another hour about our hopes and fears.

“Would you mind if I prayed for you?”
Luke asked.

It was a strange request. In fact our differences of opinion on religion and faith had been one of many driving forces to deter us from actually dating. But after my experience with Jonathan earlier, prayer seemed like a refreshing concept, even for a staunch atheist like me. 

“Dear God,” he started. His prayer unfolded unlike anything I heard before. He didn’t seem to ask God for irrational things like abolishing this disease from my body. Instead, he asked that I gain the strength to make through this difficult time. It inspired me.

I knew Luke had his own concerns about himself. Although we had played around safely, neither of us knew enough about HIV to know if we’d put him at risk or not. So when he finished, I asked him to do another prayer for himself. This time, he asked God for the strength to help him not assume the worst despite his now-uncertain status. Again, it was refreshing to hear.

As the night wrapped up, I didn’t want Luke to leave. He felt like my knight in shining armor. But we both knew that to undertake this journey properly, I couldn’t be so codependent. He made me realize that life would be ok. It wouldn’t be easy. But it would be ok.