Joan the Wise & Witty

With the untimely passing of Joan Rivers (81 is not that old, c’mon!), we’ve put together some of our favorite wisecracks from The Queen of Barbed One-Liners.

“I love gay and lesbian parents, but I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids not only know how to build bookshelves, but they instinctively know how to decorate them.”

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.”

“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.”

“I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.”

“My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I’d visit him every day.”

“The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’ Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.”

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”

“The fashion magazines are suggesting women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”

“Gay marriage! I am so against it because all my gay friends are out — if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”