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It’s 2011 — have an affair with your secretary

It’s 2011 — have an affair with your secretary

It’s June and you all know what that means … It’s time for all you hot hunks and honeys to taste the rainbow. It’s PrideFest time again, and we can’t wait.
We also couldn’t wait to answer your questions. Let’s get to them.

 

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
I just had my 40th birthday and ever since I’ve been really depressed. I think I must be suffering from “mid-life crisis.” What can you suggest to help get me out of this funk?
Signed, “Over the Hill?”

Winnie: No Clue. I’m still a very young 29.
Marion: Maybe you should do what I do when I feel down in a funk. Spend a hundred bucks and hire a hooker.
Sue: Two 20 year olds.
Diane: Come over to my place. Have you ever been tied up and licked from head to toe? You’ll forget your age and your clothes.
Zoey: A little botox to brighten your day.
Sharon: Stop going to the twink bars. There’s nothing more disgusting than an old shirtless man at a twink bar. Oh, and buy yourself something pretty, like one of the twinks.
Sassy: Hum, sounds like man-o-pause. Orderly, get this man a testosterone drip. Two or three if he can open his mouth far enough.
Molotovia: You are only as young as you feel. I like to feel two 20-year-olds at least once a month.

 

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
I stopped to have a drink at my favorite bar and an older guy from out of town sat next to me. We talked and were having a good conversation then he offered me $100 to have sex with him! I didn’t know if I should be flattered or offended. What should I have done?
Signed, “I am not a whore.”

Marion: I’m sorry I offended you. You should have been flattered. Most people won’t pay top dollar for used goods.
Sue: Take the money and run. Shame is temporary and new jeans aren’t cheap.
Zoey: My question is which bar were you at? I could use the cash. Glitter isn’t cheap.
Molotovia: Hold out for $200.
Diane: Bitch, take the money. The rent is overdue and I just opened a shut off notice from the electricity company.
Sharon: I guess I shouldn’t have told the last guy to buy himself something pretty.
Sassy: Be offended. He basically just called you a cheap whore. That kind of money wouldn’t even get a sloppy hand job from a high quality respectable whore.
Winnie: Ya took the money didn’t ya – ya gold-digger.

 

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
I really love my partner, but he’s really starting to smother me. He’s starting to become really needy. I never seem to get any “me time” and if I tell him I just want a night to myself he pouts or gets jealous. What’s the best way to handle him without being mean?
Signed, “Cling Free.”

Sharon: Sometimes you gotta be mean and tell it like it is, just like the time I told one of my fellow sluts her new wig makes her look fat.
Marion: Buy the book “Codependency No More” and leave it on the nightstand for him to read. But be prepared: You’ll most likely have to read it to him.
Sue: You pick a hell of a time to tell a girl. I thought you liked flowers.
Winnie: All you gay men are the same. Eh, my boyfriend spends no time with me. Eh, my boyfriend is smothering me. Ya just aren’t ever happy, huh?
Sassy: I’ve found that if they wake up at night and see you standing over them with a pillow inches away from their face they give you anything you ask for. Just ask in that throaty voice like when you say “Put the F#@king lotion in the basket.”
Diane: Ride him endlessly to the point of exhaustion in exchange for a little privacy time. If he still disagrees, I’ll give you Zoey’s number. Just be prepared to buy lots of ointment for the crabs.
Zoey: Trim your chest fur so it is prickly and not so soft.
Molotovia: Go ahead and take him out with you and then plan on a little tea-room fun while he is busy. I’ll be in the third stall from 10:30 to 11:00.

 

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
My partner and I got together very young and neither of us played the field. We’ve been together almost 12 years now. I’m starting to think I might have missed out by settling down so young. Should I break up with him and take my chances or should I stick it out and hope these feelings go away?
Signed, “Wild Oats to Sow.”

Sassy: You haven’t missed out on a thing. The endless strings of one night stands, drunken orgies and countless men waiting to try what you got. On second thought, dump the dead weight.
Marion: Getting your noodle wet in some else’s bowl isn’t a reason to end a 12 year relationship. Maybe you should talk with your partner and add some spicy chicken to the mix.
Diane: You didn’t miss out. If anything, consider yourself lucky. On his next birthday take a blindfolded surprise trip to a bath house and see what happens.
Sharon: It’s 2011. Have an affair with your secretary.
Zoey: Maybe he feels the same way. I’d suggest option three. Have a playmate come over and join in. That way you both can see who you’re missing.
Sue: Set up a three-way on his birthday. Screw flowers. Say it with a naked stranger.
Winnie: Oh lord, typical gay man. Enough said.
Molotovia: Twelve years is an awfully long time to throw away. Keep him where he is and invite a “houseboy” for you to share. I do everything but windows. l

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