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Fear and Loathing of Fems and Bottoms

Fear and Loathing of Fems and Bottoms

When first setting out to write about disrespect and disdain from gay men toward fems and bottoms, the temptation is to talk about those who defy the broadest types: bottoms who are butch or tops who are fem. But in order to address this topic in limited space, going right down the middle and concentrating on obviously-gay, pink-purse, ankle-grabbing homos is the most effective way to make sense.

I’m one of those homosexuals who sounds gay on voicemail. I used to cringe trying to leave a voice greeting without a feather boa. I’ve been the one who isn’t invited to meet a closeted friend’s visiting family.

When I came out, I heard from my only friend during my formative years, “We all knew you were gay; it’s stupid that you felt compelled to try changing yourself.”

When I came out and found a niche in nightclub promotion, I met other gay men who weren’t butch. Some were delicate and fine, and others were big chicks like me who could change a tire, chop firewood, make quiche in our sleep, and apply nail lacquer flawlessly.

Then I heard it: a gay putdown I would hear often and in many forms. “That thing, he’s a big ol’ bottom!” Even though it wasn’t aimed at me, I felt shame. Just like derogatory stuff I heard in school, I realized it described me.

Evil Twins

A lot of internal and external venom — often in the forms self-hatred and paranoia — goes into hating fem gay men and bottoms. It’s a form of bullying others and in many cases oneself.

Homophobia and misogyny are evil twins that almost always appear together. Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of females that manifests itself as discrimination, denigration, violence, and sexual objectification. Homosexual misogyny is problematic and often unchecked. For many gays, the women in our lives are crucially important; for other gay men, their grudge against certain women spreads to all. I can’t imagine it for my own life, but I’ve observed it, and it always makes that person seem stupid. Heterosexual male misogynists may be attracted to women, but somewhere along the way they picked up the mentality that they are superior and entitled to control them.

How does this relate to homophobia? Misogynistic minds that consider women inferior generally despise men who assume the position of a woman — on their knees or bent over, being penetrated by a penis. Gays who have internalized this message and not challenged it often have negative attitudes toward feminine aspects in themselves and others.

Exposure

We’re gay, supposedly living in the realm of diversity and acceptance. Conceptually, we’re socially elevated and not shocked by a man getting pounded in the ass and loving it. Realistically, though, we’re often bitchy and mean. It’s nothing new, but seems more shrill of late. For vast numbers of gays, being undetectable is greatly desired. Think “straight-acting, straight-appearing” and the adoration and respect it immediate generates among people, both gay and straight.

This cocoon of personal security is easily pierced by the sounds of sparkling gay laughter and the sibilant ‘S’-sound.  The term “appeasement mode” sums up those who wish to be “acceptably gay” to friends, family and colleagues. For those in appeasement mode, hearing, “You’re gay? I never would have guessed!” is a huge compliment. They’re constantly checking themselves and rejecting those who don’t fit their illusion.

Twenty-five years ago, actor Ian McKellen remarked, “Upon hearing you are gay, a great many people’s minds go directly to the bed and they imagine what you do there.” His observation still rings true.

Stigma

The comment “If gays aren’t loathing themselves, they have to loathe someone,” is humorous because there’s a lot of truth in it. Gays stigmatizing men who take it in the ass or whose mannerisms are fem isn’t rare.

We’ve already established that, to some, it is considered not manly. Australian comic Steve Hughes blows that out of the water. In high school, Hughes, a heavy metal dude, took home economics instead of football. One of his mates made a derogatory comment and Hughes observed: “While you f*cks are showering with each other, I’m hanging out with 30 girls.” When one of them said — out of the blue — he didn’t like poofs because they aren’t tough, Hughes made the observation: “What do you mean? While you’re with your girlfriends and their soft curves and girly smells, gay guys are taking it up the ass from other blokes. What do you mean ‘not tough?’”

Part of the stigma comes directly from gays who seem not to respect themselves. How many of us have read or heard sexual come-ons by bottoms seeking tops and found them unsavory and self-trashing? “Cum dump,” “breed,” “seed,” “destroy my hole” are utterances meant to cater to tops and, in the same breath, demean themselves in an egregious lack of self-respect … or is it a sense of self-preservation? We know that bottoms are at greater risk for STDs, and perhaps such language fortifies notions of bottoms as infected and inferior.

Where from here?

I’m a big believer that people who are offensive and cutting need to find their own help. Those of us who are bottoms or fem or both need to shed the shame and figure out who our strongest allies are: draw them so close the others can’t get near.

Put a brick in your purse — figuratively, not literally — and learn to swing it. Be self-satisfied, not easily offended or hurt. Don’t repay insults with insults! (Ignoring someone and having a good time will drive them crazy.) In just a few words: “If you’re gonna be a femme-shaming jerk, you get none of THIS.”

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