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Extreme sex, extreme communication

Extreme sex, extreme communication

There are many forms of sexual contact and what is considered extreme to one person could be just a regular day in the park (or ride in a sling) for someone else.

Who am I to determine what kinky sex is for everyone? In addition to being a licensed psychotherapist, I also have an active personal interest in kinky sex, produce a series of fetish balls and counsel clients regularly about fun activities they can use in their bedrooms and dungeons. I wanted to take the opportunity to directly address some important aspects of kinky, or rough sex, but these can definitely be directly applied to “vanilla” sex as well.

The most important recurring issue is the need for positive communication. Talk to your partner, partners, or rugby team about what gets you worked up and how you like to get to a mind-blowing place. Discuss your personal boundaries with using condoms, favorite lube, hot activities, safer sex and what really turns your crank. There is nothing wrong with talking about things before you start, checking in during (“yeah, you like that, boy?”), and going back through what worked and could be different next time after you’re finished and covered in sweat and/or other fluids.

There are so many sexual activities beyond having intercourse, including BDSM, flogging, water sports, piercing, breath control, role playing or mummification, to just name a few. These can be extremely hot for all parties involved, but safety should remain the primary concern. The Internet has provided an open source of information about many things, including kink, but learning from written word, pictures and illustrations may not be the best teacher.

Before you tie someone up or blast electricity through them, do your research and talk to people who have practical experience doing these activities. Warning, just because someone claims to be an expert, doesn’t mean it’s true. Talk to others to get good references and feedback about some of these players. It takes more than the title of “Sir” or “Master” and a snappy leather wardrobe to make them trustworthy.

There is a mantra commonly used when playing, called “safe, sane and consensual.” This reminds all of us that sexual activities need to keep personal safety in mind. Be careful about playing when chemically altered, angry or partnered up with someone sketchy. Discuss any physical, emotional or psychological concerns that should be considered before starting. Pushing personal limits can be fun, but ensure that consent has been given to go there.

Discuss what it looks and sounds like when you are both in ecstasy. Some like to use “safe words” that signify to your partner that play is getting too intense, uncomfortable or needs to stop immediately. It can be something out of normal conversation like “chocolate truffle” since screaming “stop” may be part of what is getting you off and you definitely don’t want them to stop. Although using “safe words” is a good tool, it doesn’t make up for taking the time to get to know your partner’s limits.

There are some who want to perform a scripted scene of directed participant motivation, dialogue and stage directions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a very specific kink or scene, but not everything has to be completely planned. There should be some kind of general expectations about your shared level of interest and intensity. Having a road map isn’t a bad plan.

Take the time to get know and trust your partner. Don’t get into a situation where you wish you had brought a ball gag because he or she is annoying.

Be careful about jumping into kinky situations with just anyone. Playing at this level can be a physical and emotional ride. Make sure that you feel comfortable enough with your partner to moan, scream, laugh or cry. Have a good idea if this is someone who will be there to take care of you if these activities bring up some strong emotions. These vulnerable places can be very terrifying if you are left to deal with them alone.

One last safety issue would be about your physical health. Although kinky play doesn’t necessarily involve screwing, keep in mind that there are many sexually transmitted infections that can be passed. Before you get down and dirty, you may want to take some time to discuss aspects of sexual history, HIV status and personal boundaries. These aren’t conversations that should happen during or after a scene.

Safe, sane and consensual playing can be connected, hot and intense.

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