Experts: Thanks, universe! Learn to discover your psychic abilities

By Miss Terry 

Skeptics will say that psychic abilities have no basis in science, but there are many things in life with no clear scientific explanation — like humor, love, trickle-down economics, sightings of ghosts and farts. They can’t be explained! The truth is, everyone has a potential to tap in to a wider consciousness. Here’s how. 

1) Stare at the sun to see its aura

When you look at the sun or a bright light in a very thoughtful, meditative way, a big green or purple dot will become visible right where the disc of the sun is. This is your inner eye seeing the sun’s aura which is telling you to stop hurting your eyes. 

2) Go raw

When you cook food using fire, you actually kill the food’s spirit which prevents it from joining your spirit. Eat vegetables and meat raw — or preferably, alive — to gain the psychic abilities that all cucumbers, chickens and cows are born with naturally. 

3) Burn incense — or popcorn!

If cooking food kills spirits, use that wisdom to drive evil spirits away naturally by burning incense or leaving your qwik-pop in the office microwave until it smokes. If your coworkers have evil spirits in them, they will reveal themselves by making negative comments about you for burning popcorn every day. 

4) Use technology

One of the ways you can find out what somebody is thinking without talking to them or even being in the same room is by reading their text messages to your iPhone.  

5) Be loud and proud

At one point in my life I really needed to go to a hospital, but I didn’t know where one was, so I manifested it. Using a little marijuana and alcohol, I knocked over a bunch of clothes racks at Kohls, fainted, and woke up in the very place I had envisioned. The universe works in mysterious ways! 

Miss Terry lives in the apartment building next to the Safeway. She first discovered her psychic abilities at age 4 when she predicted she was about to be bitten by a stray cat she was trying to catch, and it came true. Eight of her current cats are also psychic.