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Dear Bent,  

I don’t understand the games that so many gay men seem to play. I want to meet some interesting guys for an occasional date or sex, but it is really difficult. So many of them want to chat endlessly online and if you can actually get them to commit to meeting, most of the time they don’t follow through or disappear completely without explanation. I’m getting really frustrated with the state of our scene and wonder why I keep trying to make it work.


Some people feel that our gay culture is plagued with people playing games. We might not understand the rules and often find the game difficult to play and seemingly more impossible to win. Running after people to connect with them emotionally, intellectually, or physically is at the core of why we keep trying. The thrill of the chase may only prove successful 5 percent of the time, but that’s what makes it so damn sweet when it does. 

Think about any situation where the payoff doesn’t happen every time. Would gambling be as exciting if you won $1,000 each time you pulled the slot machine handle? Of course not! It is so much more fulfilling when you win after pulling the lever hundreds of times and investing a big wad of money before you get that amazing sound of falling coins. The desperation and frustration you feel after so many times of trying and trying to make something happen can be alleviated by just one success. It doesn’t matter how long it takes or how much time or finances you invest. As long as you can get an occasional success, it is totally worth it.

There are so many other people out there that must ascribe to this philosophy. They make us work hard to meet up. That sweet, sweet payoff is so much more fulfilling because we don’t get what we want all the time. They are helping us build up that desire to give us that huge release when we finally get in front of that person. It’s what makes these exchanges exciting and worthwhile. 

Be cautious of complaining that things don’t happen on your timeframe. We can’t always get what we want as soon as we want it. Connecting with others isn’t like going to a fast-food restaurant. Your impatience with these situations and feelings of entitlement that people need to fulfill your every desire can be considered truly undesirable traits that may be one of the primary reasons why people may not want to follow through with you. People generally don’t like those who are self-centered and have unrealistic expectations. It may be time to re-evaluate how important you think you are and how valuable your time is.

One final thought on the topic. You may want to consider that it is usually more fulfilling not to meet in person anyway. So many times people are much more interesting online than they could ever hope to be in person. If they don’t know the answer to a question, they can look it up. If they don’t like themselves, they can work on adopbrent26ting a persona that incorporates the charm of Channing Tatum, the wit of John Stewart, and the filthy talk of Titan porn star Dirk Caber. Trust me, fiction is most times so much better than factual reality, especially with people in our community. 

Bend Hinde is a gay second-year psychology major at the community college who for some reason was given a relationship advice column. He prides himself on his physical fitness, his artistic skills, and his adorable dashund Kiva. A lot of the boys he dated in the past were douchebags who didn’t understand what a great catch he is but at age 23 he’s not getting any younger and is ready to meet the one. He has a relationship advice column.