Don’t let your online world isolate social interactions

Dear Brent,

I feel like I’m spending a lot of wasted time online trying to meet new people. I am putting a lot more energy into it than what I am getting out of it. It seems like people aren’t really interested in meeting “in person.” Is it too much to ask that people actually want to do something other than send messages back and forth?

OK, so in a perfect world, we use online social networking sites to increase our chances to meet quality people that can become important parts of our lives. The reality is that most of us go online because we are lonely, bored,  horny … maybe even all three. One aspect of the online culture that has always confused me is the phobia that many people have of moving from the online realm into the real world. Even more confusing is how people who really want to meet in person tend to correspond with others who seem  only to want to have these communications from their computers. What the hell?

When we meet new people, many of us fear that our conversations will be uncomfortable or boring. Perhaps there won’t be that “spark” when you look into their eyes; or maybe neither of you will be as charasmatic – and funny – as you are online.

Chatting with someone online often provides a sense of safety.

Sometimes having that extra time buffer to allow yourself to come up a witty response is much easier than being extemporaneous. Some people are so comfortable with online messages either because they never fully developed their communication skills or never challenged their insecurities which would allow them to enjoy new in-person interactions.

Contemplating the statement, “They can type, but can they talk?” is concerning. What is perhaps most concerning is that some people have gotten so stuck in the online world that they have difficulties identifiying the real world as a happy place where they want to spend time. For some, being rejected online isn’t as emotionally destructive as it could be at a club, but it can definitely happen more often in a shorter period of time. The cumulative effects of this rejection can be hurtful, and just because it’s not face-to-face, dis-interest or a nasty email can be cutting.

If you’re online and really serious about meeting someone for offline fun and/or relationships, I would suggest putting this desire out there immediately. There is nothing wrong with stating you are using a website as a tool to meet people for activities and good times – not three weeks of cute little messages about funny videos on the Internet or what they fantasize about doing to, or with you, sexually.

These “online only” types are often the ones who will end up stringing you along, with the intention of a real face-to-face interaction. Believe me. They will continue to play the games that got you hooked. Be wary of people who will not show their face, talk on the phone, or meet you for a social interaction. It should make you wonder why or what are they hiding.

If an online chat is going well, and you want things to progress, try moving to a phone conversation. I’m not talking about 50 text messages exchanged while you’re at work. This phone conversation has more possiblities for in person exchanges.  Moving forward, it becomes easier to bring up options to meet for a casual drink, a quick bite or an evening walk.

Although you may devote some time, energy, or money into these endeavors, taking calculated risks with who you meet allows you to move into actually hanging out with someone, in-person.

Of course, you may not be able to use “LOL”, “ROFL,” or “:-)” when you are talking in person, but please feel free to wink, smile, laugh, or hug. Isn’t that what we did before the Internet was around?

Take the opportunities to figure out if there is a shared interest, great exchange of energies, or a deeper connection. This type of fact-finding can be started online, but make the efforts to progress further with it in the real world.

I challenge readers to take this chance. If you can’t spend 15 minutes getting to know someone in the real world, spend that time thinking about why you’re frustrated about a lack of connection in your life. Change your tactics. Online profiles are a wonderful tool, but quit letting it run your social life.
So get out there. Get off-line, get out, meet up and hopefully, you’ll get off.