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Fig. 01: Gay guys are going crazy.

It seems odd that breasts would be one of a gay man’s favorite things. Note that we confidently inscribe boobies on Stuff Gay People Like without yet having ever mentioned “penis” or even “boys,” which we probably won’t ever bother to mention, because duh.

But it’s true; boobs are hands-down some of our favorite things.

There is no erotic value to female breasts for gay dudes, assuming “gay” means exclusively attracted to men. I suppose we like breasts for a lot of the same reasons babies like them: they’re warm and soft, they bounce, they’re just kind of in your face a lot of the time and they are also attached to a woman, who is, hopefully, pretty and a nice person.

It’s also fun to think about what you don’t have, like, “I wonder what it would feel like to have floppy ears and a tail!”

In fact, the first thing you tell a small kid who is in a room with a dog for the first time is “dammit, stop pulling her tail,” because the child is fascinated.

Likewise, after gay guys come out, and they feel all kinds of liberated, and the first thing you have to tell them is to stop grabbing their girl friends’ tits, and that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean she likes it.  (I use the word “tits,” not to be crass or sexist, but because it is a word most of us forced ourselves to use seventy times a day as teenagers when we were trying to convince our straight guy friends we dug chicks. The word “tits” is a Stuff Gay People Like.)

A female friend who once told me “I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a gay club and some guy grabbed my tits thinking he’s gay so it’s no big deal.”  It’s safe to say that there are many other straight women who get down with gay men, but NOT with being groped, pinched, squeezed or motorboated.  But they roll with the punches when gay guys think it’s the funniest thing to do, because I think they figure, “it could be worse.”  I’m pretty sure that’s not cool, but just ask those women what they think of it.

Fig. 02: Case in point, Clay Aiken.

We’re trying to imagine if a woman cupped a gay man’s junk, explaining, “don’t worry – I’m a lesbian!” For the sake of this demonstration being effective, imagine that 1) you do not find the woman to be remotely good-looking and 2) she has never experienced having testicles and knocks you around a bit. Lets say she’s got nails, too.  Ooh – and you’re wearing slacks. It’s kind of painful, but gay men, who have not experienced having breasts, do the same thing.

Some gay men can actually be quite sexist, especially towards girls who are not their friends and fat. But gay men also do not ever think they are sexist, because they are gay. It’s complicated.

Another ironic thing between gay men and women is when a gay man’s Facebook profile features women. A telltale sign that a guy is gay is that his main picture will feature him making out with a girl, or fondling her, or lying on top of her, and she’s just kind of drunkenly going with it. Then you may find that the gay man’s relationship status says he is married to a girl, but it is a different girl. I’ve never seen straight guys post images like this; it is purely a gay phenomenon, and I suppose the dude who posts them probably thinks it’s making him seem “str8-acting.”

Still, if you ever see a profile photo of a guy kissing a girl and it is not a wedding photo, there is a 99% chance he is gay.

On the other hand, if there is a Facebook profile photo of a man bent over and another man standing suggestively behind him, that man is straight and considers it to be top-notch cultural satire.

I guess we can conclude from all this that there are a lot of weird things about men, regardless of sexual orientation. But I trust you already knew that.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL: ABOUT) is a regular column. Visit the Facebook Page.