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I keep seeing all the hubbub about Pride month. We go to the parade, we go to the parties — it’s so busy and crazy. What is Pride all about, other than the awesome parties? Signed,

GAYZED AND CONFUSED

Bea: Awww, crack open a book! Everyone knows it’s about our independence from Canada. It’s because of the big war and stuff. Geez, you don’t know nothing!

Zoey: I always thought Pride was about drinking and finding a new boyfriend for the year. Next year you trade up.

Latexa: Oh, children! After the Stonewall Riots (look it up) in June of 1969, many LGBT people were inspired to fight for the cause. LGBT people began organizing, protesting, and mobilizing for LGBT rights. It may look like a party — cuz we are fabulous — but it’s actually a friendly protest march . The more you know.

Cookie: It’s about letting your freak flag fly. Be aloud and proud. It is all about squinking out the ’nillas. The quicker you can get them to cover their conservative eyes, the more you let them know that we are here to stay.


 

I’m in love with best girlfriend’s wife. We spend a lot of time together. Should I say anything to them? We’ve been friends for a long time.
Signed,

IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MUFF

Bea: If you get really drunk then put the moves on her, you always have an excuse. “I was drunk, I don’t remember that.” That’s how I see Zoey do it ALL the time.

Zoey: Say what? I rented a U-Haul for next weekend. Wanna be in a threesome?

Latexa: I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but: Do not be a homewrecker! I love many of my married friends, but I don’t act on it. I’d rather have a dear friend than be known as that spouse-stealing Jezebel. Now if they swing, that’s a little different — it’s okay to be a marital aid!

Cookie: Yeah, threesomes! The more the merrier, I say. Schools of fish are much more fun to watch anyway. Remember having one goldfish as a kid? Boring! Two was eh. But a whole tank full? That’s a party. You should ask! The worst that could happen is she turns into a betta fish and eats you.


 

I’ve been spending a lot more time at the gym, and have noticed how fragrant some guys can be. Why do some guys smell so good when they sweat when others stink? Signed,

SCENTSATION TITILLATION

Bea: Okay, admit it — it’s your pits. I tease. I’m so glad you’re back at the gym, gurl! I find that when I have someone spotting for me, my nose is somewhere else for a much nicer smell. Whoops! I mean: I was drunk, I don’t remember ever doing that!

Zoey: I could go the whole chemistry route, but it’s really the cheap after-shave some guys use after shaving their balls.

Latexa: It’s science! Those you like the smell of are probably very compatible with you. Be warned: Many guys hide their particular order to mask their stink of stale cigarette smoke, vodka, and desperation. You probably want to avoid people who smell like this, which are usually drag queens. Just sayin’.

Cookie: Shiny, sweaty new things are always interesting at first, but wait til you see what they’re really like: musty and dirty and smelly. The best thing you can do is take them into the shower and scrub them down with soap so you can take them home and get them sweaty where it matters.