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Now that gay marriage bans are dropping like a pair of underwear at the Denver Eagle, it’s time to take a look at what should be next on our “gay agenda.” We’ve made progress in the areas of workplace discrimination, gay adoption, and laws forbidding butt sex (it’s not just a gay thing, you know).

As we’ve made progress on the really big issues, I feel it’s time to concentrate on the minutiae of our oh-so-fabulous culture. Here are my three suggestions for the rights we need to focus on next to make the world a better place.

Fashion Equality

Why should women get 80% of the real estate in the department stores? And why do all the major fashion shows feature women’s apparel on the runway? It’s time we demand fashion equality. Clothes should know no gender. There should just be one large Human section in our department stores. You should be able to wear anything
you want.

There should also be universal sizing to everything. Banish different shoe sizes for men and women. Just make shoes in one Human size. Why should I have to keep track that I wear a Men’s 10 but a Women’s 12? It’s maddening. Let’s split the difference and call it Human size 11. This same fashion philosophy should be applied to all articles of clothing.

“What do we want? Fashion equality! When do we want it? Now! We’re here, we’re queer, and we wear fabulous gear!”

Brunch Equality

It’s time to do away with this breakfast and lunch nonsense. There should be two meals a day, brunch and dinner. We eat too much as it is and we all want to keep our girlish figure, right? It’s time to spread the gayness that is brunch across the planet. One combined meal that cherry picks the deliciousness of breakfast and the scrumptiousness of lunch. It must be served late in the morning, to allow time for
our beauty sleep and dance club recovery.

“What do we want? Brunch equality! When do we want it? Now! We’re here, we’re queers, and we want fruit on spears!”

Dance Equality

It’s time every bar and restaurant have a space devoted to dancing, along with a DJ — sports bars included. Dancing frees the GLBT soul and we should not be denied the right to express our inner dancing divas. Bars without dancing are a travesty and we can longer allow this to continue. Bust out the disco balls. Hang the spinning lights. Crank up the volume.

“What do we want? Dance equality! When do we want it? Now! We’re here, we’re queers, and we dance without fear!”