Becoming your own greatest fan

One of my coaching clients recently asked me an incredibly powerful question that I couldn’t answer. Before I tell you the question, I want to invite you to consider how critical you are of yourself. When you look in a mirror do you see your flaws and tell yourself you are disgusting? When you walk into a bar, do you compare yourself to everyone else in the room and then find yourself in a pit of despair? If you make a mistake, do you automatically beat yourself up? If your friends accidently forget to include you for an outing, do you dive into the pool of pity? Just how critical of yourself are you?

If you are like me, you have perfected being incredibly self-critical; you have mastered beating yourself to an emotional pulp. If something goes right in your life, you even discount the experience and suggest that you are just lucky. As LGBT people, we learn very early that we are not on equal footing as our straight peers and learn early to beat ourselves up because we are “different.” Think of it this way, 97 percent of the world operates from a different paradigm and the remaining three percent of us in the LGBT world fight a battle for self-acceptance. In effect, we in the LGBT community have been socialized by others who have no clue about how to relate to us. Sure, they try but they still don’t get it. We naturally develop a sense of understanding that we are “different.” Growing up “different” naturally leads most of us to a place of self-criticism. It is not intentional it is just the way we have been socialized.

We then come out and literally roll the dice of acceptance. We gain new friends, and lose others. Our families disassociate from us or they embrace us with tentative acceptance. Our faith communities tell us that we are flawed and need to repent or they send us a subtle message that we are welcome because they accept us as “different.” Finally, we darken the door of a gay bar or Pride festival and quickly realize that our own LGBT community is incredibly judgmental based on how we look, dress, and what comes out of our mouths. What’s unfortunate, is that all most of us really want is for someone to wrap their arms around us and not see us as “different.” Is it any wonder that we learn early and we perfect our skills of self-criticism?

So how do we break free from a society and culture that makes us feel “different,” and more importantly, how do we stop the vicious cycle of self-abuse?

• Recognize that you have been socialized by a community of people who don’t really understand you.

• Embrace your “differences” as the very characteristics that make you great.

• Identify when your patterns of self-abuse take over and do something to break the cycle.

• Monitor your language for any indications of self-deprecation.

• When you are with your straight peers, don’t draw lines of “difference,” look for elements of similarity. Remember, we all have the need to be known, loved and accepted.

• Stand up to the biases and prejudices in our own LGBT community and work to build bridges of acceptance between all people.

• Embrace that idea that you deserve a completely equal and vibrant life.

• Live each day as if you are your own greatest fan.

Back to my recent experience with my coaching client, the question she asked me was, “How would your life be different if you showed up every day as your own greatest fan?” I realized in an instant that if I were my own greatest fan, I would not see myself as “different,” I would be wildly unique. I would look in the mirror and celebrate the good and bad aspects of my body. I would honor my thoughts and emotions and give myself the freedom to feel. I would be excited to be on the journey of life and I would invite others on the journey. When I make a mistake, I would embrace it as a learning opportunity. And above all, I would celebrate me. I would stop the self-criticism.
As we move into the Pride season, I invite each one of you to consider how your life would change if you simply became your own biggest fan. My haunch is that your life would change dramatically.