BDSM therapy? Kink as a way to heal after sexual violence

Dear Shanna,

Can BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadomasochism) or kink practices be healing for survivors of sexual assault?

— Therapeutically Interested in Kink

What an incredibly interesting question, and one that Colorado local Tim Murray is working on researching with his awesome project A Kink in the Cure, which examines the experiences with members of the kink and BDSM communities and the therapeutic benefits and challenges they have experienced in these communities. So the long answer? Check out Tim’s work and contribute to his project in a quest for more knowledge around this issue: facebook.com/AKinkInTheCure

The shorter answer? Anything can be either helpful or hurtful (or even both in some cases) to survivors of sexual assault or any type of violence. In some cases, allowing a survivor complete control over a sexual power play situation could be healing in that they could either be in a dominant role (which was likely not the case during their assault), or in a submissive role in which they can dictate exactly what does and does not happen, and can have the power to stop their interaction at any time. For many individuals, the explicit consent that is required for BDSM and/or any kink play can be empowering.

On the other hand, it can sometimes be overwhelming, or even re-triggering of previous experiences or interactions. Sometimes, the survivor won’t even realize that something might trigger them until they are in the middle of a situation, and it could be something as seemingly innocuous as a certain song playing on the radio, or a scent that could trigger memories or emotions. Taking that into account, setting up a pre-negotiated kinky play date could seem like a great idea, until something winds up not going according to plan or triggering someone and compounding their trauma.

Solution? Communication is going to be an important part of figuring out what will work for you, and/or what will work for your partner. Consider also bringing in a sex-positive or kink aware professional to the conversation to support your planning — and to support you when things either go really well, or really not as planned. Be aware that intimacy and sexual activities always can result in unexpected emotional reactions, regardless of experiences of sexual assault or other trauma, so just be open about what is going on, and be ready to be flexible when the best laid of plans may change at the last minute.

Best of luck!