Ask The Sexpert: Reconnecting after a long time at long distance

Dear Shanna,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, but he’s been deployed overseas for more than two of them. He’s coming back Stateside for good, and of course, I’m ecstatic. However, I’m a little worried about how to be intimate with him, since we haven’t been together in a long time, and didn’t develop our relationship at a normal pace. Any thoughts?

Sexually Supporting My Solider, Aurora

Dear Sexually Supporting Your Soldier:

Many congratulations to you and you loved one on his return.

Intimacy in long distance relationships can look different than intimacy in relationships where those involved get to physically interact on a daily basis. I’m glad you’re thinking ahead, and recognizing that it might not be a perfect fairy tale reunion where you just start exactly where you had left off, as if nothing changed.

Have you talked to your partner? Using email or Skype, consider talking about what your reunion will look like and set some realistic and exciting expectations about moving forward together. Rather than just planning how much hot sex you’ll be having (which is fine too!), also consider what dates you may want to go on, who is the bigger spoon, what love languages you may each use to show affection to each other. While you may have established these things early on, time apart can change dynamics, and it is a good idea to give the both of you a dating and intimacy refresher.

Ditto goes for communicating about sex. While certain things may be hot to text, email, or Skype about, both of your sexual wants and needs might be different in the in-person world. Instead of making assumptions about anything, set up a safe space of communication; ask him what feels good, what he desires, etc, and make sure you’re willing to open up and share your wants and desires too. Also make sure to cover limits, safer sex practices, etc; it’s always good to check in about these things on a regular basis, and even more so if you haven’t seen each other in a while. Be ready to be flexible, try new things, and really work together as a team. All relationships require ongoing communication and willingness to hear your partner’s wants and needs; this one is no exception.

Best of luck and welcome home to your soldier!

Shanna