10 ways to destroy an intimate encounter

We have all been disappointed when we finally get to the point of getting it on with someone and something goes terribly wrong. You may agree with many concerns listed and you may even recognize some patterns in yourself. Many times people will not give you honest feedback about what didn’t work for them in the bedroom. They will either never talk to you again or talk to all their friends about your “under the sheets” encounter. Hopefully these don’ts will keep that from happening.

10. Porn talk – Do you work for Titan or Hot House? If not, then stop talking like you do. One of the biggest turnoffs is being told a line from a porno movie, especially if it is one that you have actually seen and recognize. You can you think of something better to say than, “pound my hole with your big pole.” Who knows, maybe you even have a future writing scripts in Los Angeles for dirty movies. Just use your own words or grunts to express how turned on you are.

9. Narcissism – Mirrors in bedrooms can be a really hot accessory and allows you to watch each other get sweaty, but quit being Vanity Smurf and watching your own body. Hopefully your partner will be worshipping your body. If not, pick a partner who is more satisfying to you or go jerk off alone to a mirror.

8. Calling someone the wrong name – So, it happens. Sometimes it is one of your ex-boyfriend’s names you shout in the heat of passion, or maybe you’re just fantasizing about Ryan Reynolds. Regardless, apologize and move on.

7. Rushed for time – If you don’t have enough time to fully get into the moment and give the activity the respect it deserves, schedule another time with the person. Take your time and enjoy it.

6. No reciprocation – Gotta love those “do me” guys. OK, not really. Naked time is best enjoyed by the exchange of energy between people, or group of people. Hopefully all parties are leaving this interaction feeling fulfilled. It sucks when your partner is boring, lazy, or isn’t focused on making sure you are feeling good. Dead fishes or self-centered partners make for a lousy experience.

5. Quick, clean-up! – For heaven’s sake, it’s not battery acid. There’s no rush to get into the shower. Just chill out and get cleaned up in a few minutes. Cuddling is a good option, or take a few moments to rub the spunk into your chest. Silicon lube makes a great skin moisturizer.

4. Too bossy/pushy – There is a good possibility that this is not your first rodeo and you may not need to be told what to do. Hopefully you do not need someone to hold onto your ears and direct you. There is a huge difference between telling someone what you like and telling them what to do. If necessary, you can give them a screenplay including stage directions and scripted language. Hopefully both of you are tuned into each other to figure out what feels good for both.

3. Stopping to answer the phone/text/email – Turn down the volume or shut it off!

2. No affection after getting off – There are definitely times when we hook up and have somewhere to go or want our sex partners to leave so we can go to bed. Don’t forget that we are all people and we deserve respect. There are few things worse than getting a slap on the ass, a package of poptarts and a few bus tokens after getting it on with someone.

1. Bad kissing – There are so many incredibly wrong versions of kissing including “propeller tongue,” “the slobbering dog” and “the pecking bird.” As humans, kissing is one of the most intimate things we can do with one another. Without great making out, going further might not be an option. In addition to bad technique, bad breath is also another way to kill an encounter. Brush or grab a mint before making out. Take opportunities to learn from some experts. Remember, practice makes perfect!

This is only a partial list of things that I think can go wrong when being intimate with someone. Of course, accidents happen like farting in bed. Don’t forget that we seem to live in a relatively small community and people talk and compare notes. Do you want to be known as a bad lay?