The breakup, part II

It’s been weeks since the relationship went south and you’re still a mess, bless your heart. Your mind won’t let you be happy for more than fifteen minutes at a time before something in the environment (a song, a movie quote, the smell of a stranger’s shampoo) trips you up and you’re sighing, that reminds me of …

The ex. Yeah. We know and we hate it, too.

Because of our last Sexuality installment (online here), you know that what you’re going through is a perfectly natural and explicable chemical reaction to your douche-canoe of an ex. It’s time to move on now. There are jillions of things you can do to make the transition from the weepy version of you to the one we want back, but here are five solid points to keep in your back pocket.

First thing’s first, you need you back.

I’m not sure there’s anything that can make you feel as worthless and unattractive as being rejected by someone you care about, but don’t listen to your broken brain — those things that got in the way of your relationship don’t describe who you are! You had a life before she came along and you’ll have a life after. This too shall pass, but it’ll pass quicker with your help. After you’ve stabilized make an attempt to …

Stop being your worst critic!

You’re not at your finest right now, I know, but can you please keep the self-hatred at bay? I’d admonish anyone who talked shit about you — especially you. Look, just because she left doesn’t mean there’s a hideous deficiency on your part that will prevent anyone else from falling in love with you. The little things you’ve always been insecure about are going to seem fifty times worse to you right now, so please stop obsessing on your tightening jeans or wondering if it was the preoccupation with work that did you in. You kick ass. Don’t stop now.

Don’t over-romanticize the past.

Remember how she always ditched you to hang with friends, as though you weren’t one? How about the occasional bitchy comment about your life choices? And why were you increasingly being snapped at and talked down to? Yeesh! You’re apt to forget the crappy points in the relationship and get bogged down on all the sweet nothings and security you felt being a part of a couple. Quit that, right now. The problem with living in the shadow of your former relationship is that you’re forgetting the times where you didn’t feel good about yourself when you were together, much less like soul mates. Screw what they say about cherishing the good times. For now, what you need is to conjure up the bad points and see why the breakup really was a good riddance.

Commence the purge.

Speaking of good riddance, get rid of the teddy bears, the dried flowers, the sappy letters, the photobooth pictures, and everything else that keeps you steeped in the memory of your life together. If you’re a true rebel, burn all that stuff in a ceremonial farewell. (It feels good, I swear.) If you’re really sentimental, fine: put it in a big box in the closet or some other place where you can’t see it. You can open it like a time capsule years later, when you’re in a better place and laugh about ever fretting over that nincompoop. Sometimes, but not always, purging can mean letting go of the friends and cool hangouts you discovered through Nincompoop. If it’s going to keep you focused on what she’s doing lately (which some would call stalking), get it out of your life. You don’t need her status updates, honey; you need closure.

Get back to the things you love.

Before you went AWOL from the life you used to have, you had these killer ideas for getting much more out of it — honing your craft, travelling, that triathlon. As is common, your plans kind of fell to the wayside when you started a life with another person. Now that you’re back, pick up where you left off. Remember that time you rode the city bus for hours and made that gut-busting blog post about the Body Odor Brigade? So funny. We miss your blog. Remember when, after you figured out Photoshop, you plastered some hella-janky boobs onto our class picture and tagged us on Facebook? So you of you. We miss you, so come back.

In all honesty, there aren’t just five specific ways you’re going to move on. The keys to unlock your happy, healthy heart are unique to you, but one thing is certain: you can get through this if that’s what you truly want. Other suggestions: friends, family, the gym, some casual and healthy “love” from worthy lovers, a new hobby — pretty much anything that keeps you busy that isn’t destructive. Most of us have been where you are right now and we’ve made it to the other side, battle scars and all. It’s your turn to give you back to the world. Your life misses you.